


your peach

by renhyuckist



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Nonbinary Character, Other, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-08-22 04:42:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 39,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16591022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renhyuckist/pseuds/renhyuckist
Summary: Being a member of an idol group is exhausting and challenging for anyone, but for most the reward of doing what you love is worth it. All Donghyuck wants to do is sing and dance and perform but as a member of a boy group the reward can sometimes be hard to find when all she wants is to be seen as a girl.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first fanfic! But I wanted to see something like this so, guess I had to do it myself...
> 
> In this Donghyuck is non-binary transfeminine. I start off using they/them pronouns but later it switches to she/her. Thank you :)

After any busy day of NCT 127 schedules, performing several songs in quick succession, rushing from place to place, dealing with wardrobe, hair, makeup, everyone is exhausted, naturally. Upon returning to the dorms once everything is finally over, claiming a shower and collapsing into bed is just about the only thing that's going to be on anyone's mind. But these days, Donghyuck's exhaustion felt deeper than their bones, unplaceable. The physical depletion of energy will plague anyone, but the thrill of doing what they loved had slowly been seeping away leaving their mind blank and an unsettling feeling bubbling under the surface.

 

Donghyuck trudged lethargically after the other members, missing first call on the shower by a long shot, but the thought of washing the day off was distant in their mind in comparison to merely curling up on their bed and hoping to forget anything was wrong. They'd worked so hard to get to this point, their efforts couldn't have been meaning to lead to this, surely?

 

A little while later the bedroom door creaked open. “Donghyuck, there's a shower free now,” Jaehyun called, drying his own hair. Donghyuck blinked their eyes open, still clutching the sheet by their pillow and knees close to their chest.

 

“Tired. I'll do it tomorrow,” Donghyuck said simply with a quiet, scratchy voice. Jaehyun just hummed as he pulled down his covers.

 

“You're doing alright these days?” he asked. “I feel like I can't remember the last time you seemed like... yourself.”

 

Donghyuck swallowed and turned to face the other direction, away from Jaehyun's concerned eyes. “Goodnight.”

 

“Okay, well... you can always talk to me Donghyuck, I hope you know,” he said softly as he flicked off the light. Their response was just to bury their face deeper into their pillow and wait for sleep to take hold.

 

\--

 

It was still dark when Donghyuck was pulled back into consciousness, body feeling heavy, positioned awkwardly atop the rumpled covers, belt digging into their side never having changed. They groaned and pushed themself up, squinting as they looked around for a clock. What ungodly time was it, honestly? Slight moonlight from the window illuminated the makeup stain left on their pillow and they could feel it caked on their skin still. Right. Only one thing to do in this situation.

 

Donghyuck rolled off their bed and with aching limbs grabbed their keys, slipped out the front door and made their way to the Dream members' dorm. When they were feeling basically awful about their existence they could always come here for some sanctuary. Needless to say the Dream members had gotten used to Donghyuck being a frequent visitor. A moment later they were stood next to Renjun's bed, having quietly sneaked in, careful not to arouse anyone else. Donghyuck kneeled and stared at Renjun's peaceful sleeping form for a second before reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Renjun,” they whispered as they gently nudged him. It didn't take long for his eyes to crack open. Once his vision settled on Donghyuck he was quick to scramble up.

 

“Donghyuck!” he said almost a little too loud. “What's wrong? Are you okay?” Perhaps their disheveled appearance belied a little too much. He invited Donghyuck up onto his bed and held an arm around their shoulder. They leaned their head into him and stared at the opposite wall.

 

“Just the usual... feeling a little gross.”

 

Renjun wiped a finger across Donghyuck's cheek and chuckled. “Yeah, you look it.”

 

Donghyuck sighed. “Thanks, I noticed.” But they still felt a small smile form on their face. Renjun's presence had that effect.

 

“You wanna take a shower? You can use my shampoo and stuff.” Renjun rubbed Donghyuck's back and squeezed their hand with his other free one. They nodded while looking down at Renjun's hand and squeezed back. It was a simple comfort. “Come on.” Renjun heaved Donghyuck up and walked with them out to the bathroom. “I'll get you some sweatpants and a shirt of mine you can wear, alright?” Donghyuck grimaced at their reflection in the mirror after Renjun flicked on the light. They set to grabbing the makeup remover.

 

“Yeah, thanks.”

 

Finally feeling clean and in comfortable clothes was a blessing and Donghyuck fell back into Renjun's bed with a contented smile. They grabbed onto his side and buried their head in his chest. “Thank you, Junnie. You're the best.”

 

Renjun settled down too. “Glad you're feeling better... but there was something else, right? Do you want to talk? You don't usually come in the middle of the night...”

 

Dawn was starting to break, making Renjun's dark eyes clouding with concern more visible, but Donghyuck elected to ignore it and dragged one of Renjun's arms to lay across their body. “Neither of us have anything to do this morning, right? Let's just sleep more, okay?” Renjun gathered that Donghyuck just wanted to be held and acquiesced.

 

“Okay.”

 

\--

 

A couple hours later Donghyuck awoke again feeling well-rested this time, but the empty space next to them soon became apparent and they couldn't help a pout as they sat up and wrapped their arms around their knees. They stared at the pooled sheets until they heard a soft laugh from the other side of the room.

 

“Renjun is out in the kitchen with Jaemin making you some breakfast. They're probably almost done,” Jeno explained. He set his phone down and adjusted his glasses before turning on his side, propping his head on his hand to appraise Donghyuck. “You know you two were looking quite adorable clinging together like that. Wearing his clothes and everything.” The teasing glint was all over his face.

 

“Shut up... nothing you haven't seen before,” Donghyuck mumbled.

 

“True. Something about it this time was extra desperate though I feel like.”

 

“Ugh, seriously!” Donghyuck whipped Renjun's pillow at Jeno. He just laughed more as it fell unceremoniously in his lap. They stared at it for a few seconds and then slid off the bed without meeting Jeno's eyes again. “Bye. Gonna go bother Renjun now.”

 

Donghyuck skipped over to the kitchen and hooked an arm around Renjun's neck. “Heard you're making me breakfast. Ah, so sweet.” They pinched his cheek and cooed at him.

 

Renjun blushed and tried to shrug Donghyuck off. “You're gonna make me mess it up.”

 

“Renjun, all you're doing is pouring a glass of orange juice.”

 

“Just go sit down.”

 

“Hmmm... okay!” Donghyuck took a seat at the table and gazed over fondly at Renjun hovering around Jaemin, who was finishing up with the meal preparations. After a few more minutes a plate was placed in front of them.

 

“I'm happy our Hyuckie seems back to normal.” Jaemin's grin dripped with affection and he ruffled their hair before sitting down as well. “Now eat up!”

 

Donghyuck dipped their head down at that and peered at Renjun slightly through their hair. He seemed to look a little apologetic about spilling their earlier situation, but Donghyuck supposed he needed some incentive to give Jaemin. They put that aside for now, smiled widely and took a big bite. “Love y'all.”

 

\--

 

Donghyuck certainly would have loved to just stay in the Dream dorm all the time, with this group of friends that made them feel so at ease so effortlessly, but of course, logically, disappearing in the middle of the night is probably not the Ideal Look. They didn't even take their phone. Once the kitchen had been cleaned up after everyone ate Donghyuck gathered their clothes from the previous day, said a quick 'see-ya' and headed back.

 

The light and peaceful atmosphere from the morning seemed to dissipate once they stepped over the threshold back into the 127 dorm, the cloud of uncertainly and prickling wrongness descending again, as if the comfort afforded to them by Renjun was so easily forgotten when not in that bubble. They didn't have a schedule that day but the overwhelming weight pushed them to get out of that space again. With a quick change into their own clothes they were about to leave when a voice called out.

 

“Donghyuck,” Taeyong said. Their grip tightened around the knob. So close.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Jaehyun told me you disappeared last night.” Traitor. “He's just worried, Hyuck. Let's not do that again okay?”

 

“Fine, sure,” Donghyuck huffed out. They just wanted to go.

 

“Where are you headed off to now?”

 

“Just gonna go get some practice in...”

 

Taeyong hummed. “Well, alright. Don't overwork yourself, though. We all need to get our rest when we can.”

 

“Got it.” Donghyuck gave him a strained grin and a thumbs up before finally leaving. This was not sustainable. They really needed to figure out why everything inside them was always crumbling.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Donghyuck's day spent in the practice room had ended up more productive than they thought they had any business hoping for. Perfecting and sharpening a couple moves from their dances, singing some of their own songs as well as covers just to themself and playing around with some of the recent trendy girl group dances. They felt energized and renewed and their blood thrummed with the passion they had almost let themself forget. They really were here for a reason.

 

But it was time for a cool-down so they took their water and phone and sat at the edge of the room pressed against the mirror. There was an unread message.

 

**chaewon:** hiii

 

Donghyuck had met Chaewon on a music discussion site and they began to share ideas about the songs they were writing with each other. After developing a casual friendship through it she suggested they switch over to using an external messaging client, which Donghyuck was sure to create a new anonymous account on. They knew to be careful, but lately some of their songwriting had felt a little more personal in a way that they didn't want to bare it out to the other members, and it was nice to share with someone who didn't know them at all. Chaewon was really into the indie scene anyway.

 

**soleil_66:** hi chaewon what's up~

**chaewon:** have you been working on anything new lately?? actually I had something I wanted to send you!

**soleil_66:** nooo I've been busy lately T_T today's a free day for me tho so maybe I'll get back to it. I'd love to hear what you have though

**chaewon:** awe :c

**chaewon:** it's a new one, so still pretty rough

**chaewon:** demo_07.wav

**chaewon:** hereeee :)

 

Donghyuck downloaded the file and held the phone's speakers up close to their ear. A soft synthesized piano with some reverb effect added played out a calming, jazzy melody. Donghyuck closed their eyes and let it wash over them. The dreamy atmosphere seemed to strip away the outside world. The track ended after about a minute and a half—they could have listened to it forever, probably.

 

**soleil_66:** wow chaewon this is a pretty different style for you, huh. it's really beautiful.

**chaewon:** I was probably going to add a drum track, what do you think?

**soleil** **_66:** tbh I think it's perfect like this. were you planning on any vocals?

**chaewon:** mm, not sure. I don't think so. some things can only be said through music.

**soleil_66:** so true

**soleil_66:** I feel inspired now I'm firing up my daw the second I get home!!!

**chaewon:** oh where are you now :o

**soleil_66:** was just out for a run

 

Close enough.

 

**chaewon:** omgggg it's hot as fuckkk outside how are you not dead!!! hsdjfdk

**soleil_66:** sun can't make me any deader than I already feel inside.

**chaewon:** wtf don't say that ;_;

**soleil_66:** kidding, haha.

**chaewon:** you better :/

**soleil_66:** I’ll talk to you later chaewonie :) your song is really amazing again.

 

Feeling sufficiently cooled down, Donghyuck gathered up all their things and fished their earbuds out from their bag. Time to listen to Chaewon's track on repeat the entire way back to the dorm.

 

\--

 

The dorm was quiet and seemed fairly empty upon their return. Perfect afternoon for music production. They should even be able to record some new melodies without care for the volume or being disturbed. Maybe Winwin was still around but he wouldn't give a shit. As long as no one tried to poke their nose in...

 

Donghyuck entered their room and after a quick change, grabbed their computer and microphone and set up to work. There were quite a few unfinished project files gathering dust on the hard drive but Donghyuck was feeling working on something fresh and so opened up a new project. The view of a stark blank workstation can be an intimidating sight but a gate had been opened and the ideas that had been laying dormant in Donghyuck's mind were about to spill over—they almost couldn't move their fingers fast enough. They laid down a few chords and started humming into the microphone, testing out some melodies.

 

Chaewon had dabbled in a new genre so Donghyuck was feeling a similar pull, to test out capabilities of the software they hadn't tried before. Their compositions thus far strayed towards the simpler side of things, but suddenly they were in the mood for pulling off something unexpected. First times will never yield a perfect result, but Donghyuck just wanted to let their feelings flow as they worked on the new song, playing around with plug-ins and samples and effects they had never touched before.

 

After a good loop had been laid down Donghyuck started recording some lyrics. Just the pure unfiltered thoughts inside their head. Obviously, nothing they had sent to Chaewon so far had any vocals in it, but with enough pitch shifting and being buried in the instrumental, they could get away with it. This song was calling for something extra. They were letting out some particularly passionate notes when,

 

“Yes Donghyuck sing it!!”

 

Donghyuck nearly launched their computer across the room at Doyoung's voice from out in the hall. Easy to forget other people do sometimes exist when you're getting involved. Their eyes snapped to the clock at the corner of the screen. It had been... quite a few hours apparently. Everyone was probably back by now. They let out a whining sigh saving the project file for now, they had gotten enough recorded anyway, and shuffled over to the door to poke their head out.

 

“Sorry Doyoung hyung... I'm done now though.”

 

“Don't worry, it's fine! It's been a while hasn't it?” Doyoung came up closer the doorway where Donghyuck was standing with arms held across their chest and shoulders shrugged up slightly sheepishly. They hoped no one had caught the content of their lyrics. “Are you gonna show me this one? I've missed your songs.” He was smiling so encouragingly and Donghyuck almost felt bad about shutting him out from the thing they had shared.

 

“Umm, I don't know. It's not finished anyway.” They didn't meet Doyoung's eyes.

 

“Well when it is I'd love to hear it! You sounded really good.”

 

“Yeah... I'll uh, let you know.” Donghyuck quickly shut themself back in the room, leaving Doyoung to huff out a 'well, bye', and got to work on editing and mixing the vocals. When they were satisfied with the level of obscurity of their voice they exported the short section and loaded it to their phone.

 

**soleil_66:** so I really wanted to make something today, like literally anything

**soleil_66:** it's just a little bit, but this is what I did!

**soleil_66:** untitled36.wav

**chaewon:** whoa already, just since we talked this afternoon??

**chaewon:** I'll listen right now!

 

Donghyuck's heart beat a little faster as they waited for Chaewon's feedback. It was an impulsive composition, but they were proud of just making something with no reservations.

 

**chaewon:** …

**chaewon:** omg I did NOT expect this

**soleil_66:** hehe yeah I wanted to try out something new like you did...

**soleil_66:** but um... what do you think

**chaewon:** it's so... cute??? your pieces are usually pretty emotional. well, this is too, but it's like, uplifting? :) I love the synths too. I think this will be really good if you polish it and make a full song!

 

A grin broke out on Donghyuck's face at their friend's praise.

 

**soleil_66:** aaa thank you!! yeah I was feeling pretty light today I guess

**chaewon:** I'm really surprised you made something like this in just a few hours though. whipping all that out for the first time, must be a genius...

**soleil_66:** omg noooo haha...

**chaewon:** are the vocals sampled or is that you? :o

**soleil_66:** it's me... I felt like they added something important so I put them in this time

**chaewon:** I agree! it goes really well with the style of the song too.

**chaewon:** anyway I'm glad you were in good spirits today, I can really tell through this track

**soleil_66:** talking with you will always make my mood go up tbh

**chaewon:** omg awww c:

 

They continued talking for a while and that night Donghyuck felt contented and was able to fall into a peaceful sleep in their own bed, with Chaewon's gentle melody in their ears and the hope that this feeling could persist in their heart.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Several days later in the morning it was one of the rare instances in which Donghyuck had actually gotten out of bed fairly early for seemingly no reason in particular. Perhaps it was because of some of the other members rustling around, there did seem to be some activity in the dorm, but Donghyuck paid it no mind and sat in the kitchen with a bleary mind and squinted eyes as they attempted to bring themself to full consciousness while picking at their breakfast.

 

When they were about halfway through Yuta was passing by and popped his head around the entryway to the kitchen, expression a bit too chipper for the hour for Donghyuck's taste, and a bag slung on his shoulder. “Morning, Hyuck!” he called.

 

Donghyuck shook out the last of the sleepy haze and cleared their throat to get their voice in working order before responding. “Hey.”

 

Yuta's face seemed to flash with an idea and he stepped around the corner to fully enter the kitchen and leaned against the wall. “Me and some others are going to head out to the gym to get some exercise in, you want to join?”

 

Donghyuck chuckled sardonically and looked away from Yuta to fight off a slight eye roll. “Why do you always ask me this, I never go.” Bulking up was pretty much the last thing on their mind at any point in time. Yuta let out a disappointed 'aww' but they knew he wasn't surprised. He let his bag onto the floor and came over to the table to ruffle Donghyuck's hair.

 

“I just think you would be fun to exercise with, that's all. Gotta keep trying!” he teased with a grin. Donghyuck shrugged away from Yuta's hand.

 

“Why would I want to be surrounded by a bunch of sweaty posturing dudebros anyway. Sounds like _not_ fun,” they teased back. Donghyuck was happy for their gym rat members that they had something that fulfilled them so, really, but they shivered a bit at the thought of being in that environment. Just give them the dance practice room.

 

“Well hey, you're surrounded by a bunch of sweaty dudes most of the time anyway, that's like half of our job at the least!”

 

Donghyuck let out a loud, singular laugh, though lacking in humor. “Ugh yeah don't remind me. I hate it.”

 

Yuta brought his hand back to pat Donghyuck's head in a bit of mock consolation. “There, there. But you're a sweaty dude that we're surrounded by too, you don't get out of this!” Just a joke. Yuta has no reason to think of anything other than making it into a silly comment. But Donghyuck flinched away from him at that. Suddenly the conversation was getting weird. Donghyuck took to studying the table.

 

“D-don't say that.” Awkward. Why was their body heating up now?

 

Yuta didn't catch the souring mood and continued on with the same teasing tone. “Everyone sweats, Donghyuck!” A small, shuddering breath escaped, barely perceptible. No, that's not it.

 

“I'm not a... _dude_.” Their voice was thin and high. It fell out of Donghyuck's mouth with no warning. Any previous thoughts in their mind were replaced now by just static. It felt so revealing somehow and yet Donghyuck couldn't catch onto exactly why a rock had formed in the pit of their stomach. They couldn't look back at Yuta.

 

“Aww, it's alright that you're not a really manly kind of guy, that's why we like you!” Yuta of course took it only as a personality trait. What were they hoping he took it as?

 

Donghyuck vaguely perceived that Yuta had left after another minute or so. They looked back to their half finished food and felt immediately any remains of their appetite disappear. They tossed everything left into the trash with shaking hands before they had the opportunity to feel sick looking at it and ran back to their room.

 

The morning was getting off to a strange and not very promising start. Donghyuck buried their fingers in their hair as they flopped back on their bed. Something was scratching at the surface on the inside, trying to break out, but Donghyuck didn't want to dig. Somehow they knew it would be like launching themself off a cliff, so they squeezed their eyes shut and tried to shake it out of their mind.

 

NCT 127 had a meeting to attend at the company that day, but not until quite a while later so Donghyuck considered their options of how to spend their time until then. Some distraction was clearly in tall order so there was one obvious option. Donghyuck set about getting ready.

 

Perhaps spurned by the conversation, perhaps just feeling in the mood, in either case Donghyuck felt a pull. After getting dressed, they fluffed their hair up into an acceptably cute-looking style, and in doing their makeup applied a bit of soft, glittery eyeshadow and a bold eyeliner, winged out slightly at the edge. They regarded themself in the mirror, a small satisfied smirk on their face. Impulsively, they grabbed one of the bottles that was among their various supplies. Donghyuck never wore any of their perfume while around the other members, just kept it as a personal thing, enjoyed the smells for themself. But today they were suddenly emboldened by an undeniable urge to make some kind of statement, if just to themself. With the fruity scent sprayed, Donghyuck cut off any opportunity for second guessing and promptly headed out.

 

\--

 

“Renjun isn't here right now.”

 

“Wha- who said I was looking for Renjun! Can't I come see _all_ my friends?” Donghyuck spluttered indignantly. They had set foot in the Dream dorm literally 0.2 seconds ago and were already being attacked like this? Jeno looked Donghyuck up and down once before smirking and heading back into the dorm from the threshold.

 

“Sure, buddy.”

 

“What's that supposed to mean...” Donghyuck grumbled, following after him. They sat down on the living room sofa next to Jisung with arms crossed. “What's he doing anyway.”

 

“Him and Chenle are both at the company right now,” Jisung answered.

 

“Hmm, China stuff I guess...”

 

“Don't worry, Hyuck. He'll be back soon to give you attention.” Donghyuck almost threw another pillow at Jeno. They shifted on the couch to face their back towards him and grabbed Jisung's wrist.

 

“Hey Jisung, let's play a game and not include Jeno.” Donghyuck put on a sweetly mischievous face, hoping slightly that Jeno could still see. Instead of responding, Jisung leaned into Donghyuck's space and took a sniff.

 

“You really did make yourself up, huh.”

 

Donghyuck dropped Jisung's wrist immediately and pushed at his shoulders. “Ugh, get away. You don't have to make such a big deal of the fact that I'm prettier than you.”

 

Jisung laughed and got up to go plug in the game. “Whatever you say. Any reason you're drenched in perfume though?”

 

“Don't exaggerate,” Donghyuck huffed and caught the controller Jisung tossed back to them. “None of your business anyway, let me kick your ass.”

 

The two played for a while until the door opened again, Donghyuck's ears zeroing in on the sound, and they paused immediately despite Jisung's protests. Renjun and Chenle entered, returning from whatever NCT China related meeting that probably no progress was made at.

 

“Oh Jisung, sorry, suddenly I'm bored.” Donghyuck jumped up, ignoring whatever kind of facial expression Jisung was probably making at them and hopped over to the front hall.

 

“Oh hey, Donghyuck, you're here,” Renjun said in greeting, a pleasant surprise on his face.

 

“Yep!” Donghyuck smiled and took Renjun's hand. “These guys are losers though let's go.” They led the two of them into Renjun's room and closed the door behind them. Donghyuck flopped onto Renjun's bed and loosely hugged one of his Moomin dolls while Renjun regarded them from near the dresser, emptying his pockets.

 

“Anything up?” Renjun could probably see through any front Donghyuck put up.

 

“Umm.” Donghyuck shifted into a sitting position and brought their knees up, wrapping their arms around and causing the doll to be pressed more tightly against their chest. They avoided the question anyway. “So uh, you know, since I'm so cute today why don't you draw me.”

 

Renjun laughed softly as he walked over to sit on the bed next to Donghyuck. He wrapped his arm around their shoulder and leaned his head against theirs. “Hmm, that's true, but does this have anything to do with why 'those guys' are 'losers'?” Donghyuck wondered if Renjun could perhaps not be so perceptive for like, one minute of his life. “You smell nice though,” he added in a low voice. Donghyuck pulled their lips into their mouth to not smile too much at that.

 

“Well... I just want to do something like this sometimes but then if it gets pointed out too much I get a little self-conscious.” It was weird to admit it so plainly, but Renjun was safe.

 

Renjun frowned. “What did they say?” he asked, concerned, but comforting. “I can give them shit for it.”

 

Donghyuck sighed. “They didn't even really _say_ that much, you don't have to go twisting anyone's arms yet. I can just... feel what they're thinking. Like, Jeno can just... look at me and it's like he's seeing right through me. I get nervous.”

 

“What do you think he's seeing?” Renjun pried one of Donghyuck's hands from their grip on their leg and laced their fingers together. The warm contact helped calm their beating heart.

 

“I'm not entirely sure yet, but it doesn't feel right. Like I have some secret that I don't even realize that everyone else can see but they won't tell me it's being laid bare. And I'm left wondering why my skin crawls just from existing.”

 

Renjun stilled and his hold on Donghyuck tightened. “You know... I think I understand what you mean, Donghyuck. I think... I think I've felt like that before too. Some kind of wrongness I'm afraid other people can see in me.” He leaned them back against the pillows and let Donghyuck rest on his chest, getting them to relax their tensed muscles. “You're not alone.”

 

“Really? I'm sorry you feel like this too.” Donghyuck rubbed their thumb across the back of Renjun's hand. They laid there for a few minutes, Donghyuck curled around Renjun, until he sat up again and softly extricated his hand.

 

“Actually, I will draw you, hold on.” Renjun eased out of Donghyuck's hold and went to grab his sketchbook. Donghyuck's mouth opened in a small circle and amazement spread across their face.

 

“You will...?”

 

Renjun spun his desk chair around and got in position with his pencil poised. “Of course. As you said, too cute not to, right?” He sent Donghyuck a reassuring and bright smile. “Just lay there with Moomin and I'll draw you like that.” Donghyuck nodded and stretched out their legs to lay comfortably with a contented expression.

 

When Renjun had finished his sketch he ripped the page from the sketchbook and walked back across the room to hand it to Donghyuck. “It's really good Renjun. I look so happy and cute... thank you.” They held the page gingerly and stared into the eyes of their illustrated self.

 

“When you feel uncomfortable with however you think people are seeing you, you can look at this and remember how I see you, okay?”

 

Donghyuck nodded again and pulled Renjun into a hug.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Donghyuck spent the rest of the early afternoon with Renjun until it was time to head to the company for their meeting. NCT 127 had a set to perform soon, including a new short intro, which they were briefed on there. Practice for the choreography would begin promptly the next day. Donghyuck was excited to learn something new and having felt refreshed after their heart-to-heart with Renjun, didn't even think about how they attended the meeting still wearing the perfume and cute get-up. Nobody would really care to notice in this environment, since it's all business, but Donghyuck felt a bit of power upon realizing anyway.

 

That evening back at the dorm they were taking it easy to be well prepared for the early start tomorrow. They laid back on their bed, Renjun's picture sitting on the table next to it, and checked their messages.

 

 **chaewon:** hiiii soleil, I know this isn't what we usually talk about, but I'm in need of some girl talk rn hahaa are you there??

 **chaewon:** omg wait I just realized even though we've been talking you never actually told me have you I totally just assumed oops. you don't have anything on your profile either

 **chaewon:** ARE you a girl?? I'm sorry LOL

 

Donghyuck froze reading the messages that had poured in. Not exactly what they were expecting to find. Realizing that Chaewon had been assuming they were a girl the whole time set their heart at a faster beat and they felt a visceral negative reaction at the thought of correcting her.

 

 **soleil_66:** it's okay!! lol. you're right though, I am a girl :)

 

They sent the message before they could think twice. It was satisfying and a little scary. Their outburst with Yuta that morning resurfaced in their mind, but they focused all their mental energy at the moment on only the conversation in front of them and didn't let any of the racing peripheral thoughts come to the forefront.

 

 **chaewon:** OH nice. I knew it, you know I have a sense for these things ;)

 

Donghyuck had to wait a minute or so before their trembling fingers could type out a coherent message.

 

 **soleil_66:** so uh, what kind of girl talk...

 

Apprehension started to set in. Would they be exposed so fast? What does Donghyuck know about what “girl talk” entails?

 

 **chaewon:** soooOO I'm going out with my friends tonight and I bought some new clothes recently but I just want an outside opinion on if my outfit is that good >< my one friend is like SUPER stylish I want to be IMPRESSIVE

 

Luckily nothing too serious, not that Donghyuck could claim to be an expert on girls' fashion. But this seemed like an easy conversation to get through. Certainly any outfit Chaewon had picked out would be super cute, even if she was doubting herself. Besides,

 

 **soleil_66:** well if they're your friends I don't think you need to worry about impressing anyone, chaewon!

 **soleil_66:** but feel free to show me :)

 **chaewon:** I knowww, but it's new territory for me!

 **chaewon:** image10034.jpg

 

The pictured outfit was what Donghyuck could just judge as an expectedly very cute and pretty outfit, bright and colorful. Chaewon only had a small profile picture containing her face for them to know her appearance by, but they were quite sure it suited her perfectly. Donghyuck kind of wanted to wear it too.

 

 **soleil_66:** I think it looks great, it's super cute! you shouldn't be nervous, all your friends will think you're adorable, naturally

 **chaewon:** omg *_* thank youuuu. I guess you're right, it is cute...

 **soleil_66:** like u

 **chaewon:** fjsdjfk stop. I bet ur cuter

 **soleil_66:** no wayyy. I could only wish I'd have cute clothes like that :'(

 **chaewon:** don't say that!! I'm sure your clothes are cute too!!! or you just make anything cute by wearing it <3

 **soleil_66:** :/// hhhh

 **chaewon:** I need to be getting ready about now though. have a good rest of your night! thanks for your help haha

 **soleil_66:** you too, have fun!

 

Donghyuck let the phone drop from their grip onto the mattress and stared blankly up at the ceiling for a good ten minutes. This day kept going back and forth and up and down with strange feelings, bouncing around constantly from uncertainty and assuredness. Something was starting to click though, it felt really nice that Chaewon so easily interpreted them as a girl. Donghyuck thought about the end of their conversation as they stared across the room at their closet. Although they had put together the cutest thing they could muster from their wardrobe, it still didn't even nearly approach something girlish. They wondered what it really would be like, to be seen like that by somebody other than Chaewon. This thought couldn't be allowed to fester right now and Donghyuck buried their head into the pillow. They needed to keep a hold of their strength before making the coming days any more difficult than necessary by thinking too hard about what this all meant. The rest of the night passed like that.

 

–

 

The next morning Donghyuck quickly arose and got ready for practice, thinking only of keeping their mind sharp for learning the new choreography. They were out the door with everyone else within minutes.

 

The first part of practice with the choreographer went smoothly as Donghyuck focused only on his instruction. There weren't a great many moves to be taught as it was only a short intro dance, so after some amount of time they were all left to continue practice on their own to continue sharpening and perfecting their hits and improve their synchronization.

 

After a while Donghyuck started to feel light-headed and could sense themself falling a beat behind everyone else. The problem persisted for the next run-through but after a few steps Taeyong suddenly stopped and went to go turn off the music. Donghyuck closed their eyes and sighed internally. They really weren't looking for attention right now.

 

“Donghyuck, come on. This shouldn't be so difficult. I can tell you already memorized the moves just, focus please.”

 

“We're going on stage with this in a couple days, let's not stretch it out...” an exasperated Doyoung added from the other side of the room.

 

Donghyuck opened their eyes and met the scene of everyone staring at them through the mirror. Suddenly the memories of every time they had felt out of place in this group surfaced again and their skin prickled. All they wanted was to dance...

 

“Yeah, sorry,” Donghyuck forced out. They wiped their face and swayed slightly before getting back into position. Soon a hand appeared on their shoulder.

 

“Are you feeling alright? Have you been eating properly lately, Donghyuck?” Taeyong asked in a low voice. Donghyuck snapped their head over to face Taeyong in confusion before remembering that they last time they ate was the couple bites of breakfast from yesterday. Then with the ensuing events it had slipped their mind.

 

“Y-yeah,” they answered anyway, but the rise of intonation still slipping in. Taeyong leveled them with a disappointed look.

 

“I never saw you come out to eat dinner last night... and I found a bunch of food in the trash yesterday morning, too. Was that yours?”

 

Donghyuck sighed out loud. This was all an unfortunate coincidence. “I just lost my appetite it's not that deep.” They could see Yuta look over curiously at that and they hoped he didn't think too hard about it. “There's really no problem, I just forgot. I'll have a snack and then be dancing circles around all of you, okay?”

 

“I just want to make sure you're not having an issue again,” Taeyong said.

 

Donghyuck rolled their eyes. “That was so like... eight months ago. It's over.”

 

“Those kind of things don't just go away so easily, Donghyuck.”

 

“It wasn't even for that long! Let me live.” Donghyuck huffed and spun away from Taeyong to go fetch their bag from the corner of the practice room. They usually had something lying around in there. To their luck, there was a protein bar or two. Donghyuck pulled one out and ripped off the wrapping with an indignant force before starting to shove it in their mouth, making eye contact with Taeyong across the room. They finished it quickly, took a large swig of water and returned to their position, pointedly ignoring everyone else, not particularly interested in meeting their probably tired and annoyed faces. “Let's go again, please.”

 

Music filled the room again and Donghyuck danced with a fierce determination this time, executing it perfectly for all their remaining run-throughs. They did a few practices for their others songs in the set too and when Taeyong called the practice quits for the day, exhaustion descended on Donghyuck as a culmination of everything: the long practice, the mental effort at staving off every thought they wouldn't let fully form in their mind, the now very apparent hunger. Time for a real meal.

 

On the ride back to the dorm Donghyuck expertly dodged all eye contact with the other members for the blessed short amount of time it took. When they arrived, the 127 dorm wasn't making itself out to be a very appealing place to be, so Donghyuck silently diverted their path from the others and ended up at the Dream dorm.

 

“You know I think I prefer your perfume from the other day. Oh wait that's just the scent of your sweat.”

 

“Hello to you too, Jisung,” Donghyuck said dryly as they closed the door behind them. Jisung just shot some smirking finger guns before walking back into the dorm. Jeno was currently in the living room lounging on the couch and tipped their head back over the arm to look at Donghyuck.

 

“Did you just get out of practice? What are you doing here, aren't you tired?”

 

“Well, duh. But uh... no competition for the shower here.”

 

“Huh. Smart. Don't become too much of a freeloader though.” Jeno sat back up and went back to what he was doing.

 

“You aren't paying any rent either, smartass,” Donghyuck snorted before crossing the dorm to their destination. They knocked slightly on Renjun's door before poking their head inside. Renjun looked up curiously from his computer.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hi... can I borrow your shower stuff again... and some clothes?” Jeno was probably making some kind of comment from the living room about Donghyuck's planning abilities, but they ignored that and looked on hopefully at Renjun. They didn't want to seem too eager to impose like this so often but still, they knew Renjun would say yes.

 

“Yeah, sure, take whatever.” He gestured towards his wardrobe and Donghyuck ducked into the room sending him a grateful beam to pick something out.

 

After cleaning up Donghyuck returned to Renjun's room and flopped down on the bed by his feet.

 

“Gross, you're getting my sheets wet.” Renjun shoved at Donghyuck's shoulder with his toes, but only halfheartedly and didn't make any real effort to get them to move as Donghyuck just laid there and giggled. Eventually Renjun brought his foot down and let it rest close to Donghyuck's side.

 

“Did you guys order food yet, I'm literally so starving.” Donghyuck inched up to rest their chin on Renjun's leg and looked up at him pitifully. “I worked so hard today I need sustenance.”

 

Renjun shut his computer and looked down at them. “I don't think so yet, it's a little early.” Donghyuck pouted further at this. “Oh you big baby.” Renjun leaned forward and pinched their nose between his thumb and index finger, giving it a teasing little shake.

 

Donghyuck wriggled back out of his grasp with a sharp, “Hey!”

 

“I'll go tell them to do it now though.” Renjun got up and gave Donghyuck's shoulder a soft pat before leaving the room.

 

“Ahh, my hero.” Donghyuck splayed out further on the bed and waited for Renjun to come back. The rest of the members would probably be engaged in a serious debate about what to order for at least several minutes so Donghyuck nestled their head into their arms, closed their eyes and just relaxed.

 

Some amount of time later Renjun came back into the room and rubbed the back of a half asleep Donghyuck to say, “Food will be here soon. You can make it, I believe in you!”

 

“Stop making fun of me...” Donghyuck whined, lifting their head up. Renjun was settling back into the bed with their computer, chuckling softly. “Hmmm.” Donghyuck perched their chin on their hands and watched as he absorbed himself back into whatever he was doing with a serious expression. “Whatcha doing?” they inquired.

 

“I've been researching the effects of chemtrails.”

 

“Wh-what??” Donghyuck almost slipped from their position in alarm.

 

Renjun just laughed loudly at Donghyuck's expression. “I'm kidding, oh my god!”

 

“Well it's hard to know with you sometimes!” Donghyuck spluttered in defense. “I've heard you say some crazy things in full sincerity.”

 

Renjun leaned over his computer with a face full of mirth. “Oh, like you're really one to talk. You with your tarot cards and essential oils. How big is your gemstone collection now?”

 

“I don't have a gemstone collection...” Donghyuck muttered, fixing Renjun with a glare. “And hey, the calming effects of my essential oils are very useful! But I guess you're right. This is why we're such a good match.” They quirked up the corner of their mouth and regarded Renjun with an easy expression. He looked back into Donghyuck's eyes and they stayed like that for several moments until Renjun coughed and returned his focus to the computer screen.

 

“So,” Donghyuck searched for another conversation. “Your photoshoot was today right? How was it?”

 

Renjun brightened up. “Yeah! It was good, we had fun. I think they'll come out really nicely.”

 

“Hmm, I'm glad. Can't wait to see them.” Donghyuck yawned and flipped over to lay next to Renjun's legs. “Wake me when there's food.”

 

Luckily the food wasn't much longer and Donghyuck ate about two portions in no time, and with a hug wrapped around his side and their head leaned on his shoulder they sweetly inquired of Renjun whether he wouldn't mind some company that night. Looking into Donghyuck's big eyes and soft, pleading expression he shyly agreed and they let out a small 'yay', kissed his cheek and took out their phone to send a quick text to Taeyong to avoid getting chewed out again, which may or may not have also included an impulsive picture of the empty take out cartons with some backwards smiley faces.

 

At night, Donghyuck melted into Renjun's side as the two got into bed and they entered a warm, peaceful sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

 

The next few days continued with a couple more practices that all went off smoothly and Donghyuck had also taken to talking to Chaewon much more than before, with their new-found dynamic imbuing them with strength and immersing themself into the role of being seen as a girl by someone was a constant source of energy.

 

It was going to be time soon for NCT 127's performance that they had been practicing for—at the current time they were in their waiting room. Donghyuck was passing the time glued to their phone and chatting with Chaewon while the other members were... probably around, but Donghyuck had no concept of them right then, comfortably bubbled off from their surroundings, thinking only about the conversation in front of them and unsuccessfully attempting to keep a grin from cracking across their face.

 

Of course, the bubble was not unbreachable. A presence soon cropped up behind Donghyuck. “Oh? What's got you looking so giddy there?” Johnny's sudden voice in Donghyuck's ear caused them to startle and slam the phone into their chest. They couldn't see Johnny's face but his smirk came across so readily through voice alone and they really weren't looking forward to being needled about this, no matter how good natured Johnny was in pretty much everything he did. If he actually was able to read the whole conversation that had been on the screen, Donghyuck would be done for. So they jumped to defensiveness.

 

“Nothing! What are you talking about?” Donghyuck said in a tense voice, locking the phone and willing their heartbeat to slow. Not the time to be getting nervous.

 

“Hmmmm? Really?” Johnny's cat eyes bored straight into Donghyuck. “You looked very involved. Talking to someone _special_?”

 

“No.” Donghyuck looked away pointedly. “I was uh, watching videos of snakes eating mice whole.” They could feel the patheticness of the excuse even as it fell out of their mouth. Although still a quiet _ew_ came from elsewhere in the waiting room. Johnny merely chuckled and plopped down in the chair next to Donghyuck, despite the lack of room, and looped an arm around their shoulder.

 

“Ahh. You know I'm quite familiar with the sight.” He lowered his voice to a hushed whisper, but still looking too pleased with himself for initiating this talk. “The _boy talking to the girl they like_ look.” A sharp tang filled Donghyuck's mouth at that. To be so unceremoniously ripped from their bubble and then have those words thrown at them.

 

Johnny must have at least seen Chaewon's name on the screen, but he had it all wrong. “It's seriously not like that. I can like, have friends you know.”

 

“Of course, of course.” Johnny dropped into a more serious tone. “I'm sure you know but just... you've got to be careful about it, right?”

 

“Ugh yes, I'm aware.” There probably wasn't any convincing him right now. Donghyuck reached to remove Johnny's arm from around them. “Trust me it's under control.”

 

“I do! Don't worry.” A pause, but Johnny hadn't moved from beside Donghyuck. “I'm happy for you though, bro.” His grinning face came back. “My little man, growing up,” he said with some fake dramatics and leaned in to try and ruffle Donghyuck's hair, but they just recoiled.

 

“ _Stop_ saying that Johnny, I swear.” They really couldn't take anymore of these hits right before they had to go on and perform. The attention of the others had clearly been drawn by now and Johnny seemed to suddenly clue in to Donghyuck's legitimate discomfort at the entire exchange, his face turning to confusion at how Donghyuck spat out the sentence.

 

“Alright I'm not sure what's going on but let's calm down,” Taeyong intervened. “And Donghyuck, don't forget your manners.”

 

Right. They knew what that meant. But in the current situation, Donghyuck was absolutely nowhere near the state of mind of being at all in the mood to say 'hyung'.

 

“ _Please_ ,” Donghyuck started, the sarcasm dripping, “stop saying that, Johnny-ssi.” They snapped it out icily, making eye contact with no one. The atmosphere of the room got weird and Johnny looked at a loss to how to interpret what was going on.

 

“Can we not get worked up right now? We'll probably be called to go on standby in like, minutes, or something,” Jaehyun broke in.

 

Donghyuck closed their eyes and meditated internally for a hot second before letting out a deep breath and looking back at everyone. “Okay, I'm sorry for acting like this. It's all good. Our performance is going to be great, let's just think about that.” They let a small smile grace their face. “...Love y'all.” Donghyuck curled up into the corner of the chair and willed themself to do just what they had said.

 

Someone sighed with a tinge of exasperation, but no one else said anything.

 

The performance was killer, as expected.

 

\--

 

The next day in the dorm, Johnny approached Donghyuck again. They were apprehensive as to where this conversation might go and just wanted to forget the previous day, but they kept their body language neutral. “So I uh, just wanted to know if I did anything... to make you upset with me,” he started. “I'm sorry for prying too, if that made you uncomfortable.”

 

Donghyuck gripped their elbow and looked to the floor. “I'm not upset with you... you didn't really do anything. I'm sorry for snapping too.” They really didn't want to alienate Johnny, through no matter how many dudes and bros. He would always be a comforting presence. Donghyuck shuffled forward to wrap their arms around him in a tight hug. Just like that.

 

Johnny sighed in relief and hugged back. “That's good! I was worried.” After a nice little moment he pulled back, hands instead resting on their shoulders. “Hey, I'm running to the store soon. Anything you need? Wanna come with?”

 

“I could do with some new soap?” Donghyuck was not exactly running low, but might as well take the opportunity.

 

The two went off and once at the store had split off into different aisles to get their necessities. Lately Donghyuck had had an itch in their mind of wanting to get something new and affirming to feel like a girl wearing but grasping on to that kind of chance was elusive, and even right now it was rather risky with Johnny in the same store, even if they completed their purchases separately. But their eyes caught a display of some accessories and it was a simple place to start. Clothes were a whole separate matter they didn't even want to think about broaching yet. Certainly couldn't get away with it now. First though they went to grab the soap, and along with that other various products to act as a shield: new shampoo, face wash, razor. They'd need them eventually anyway. From a nearby shelf of makeup they picked out some new things to try as well as a cheap bottle of neon green nail polish before doubling back to the accessories display. Donghyuck plucked off the first thick bright pink headband they saw. Honestly it was a style probably meant for younger girls but they didn't really care and only wanted to get done and purchase as quickly as possible. As if they couldn't make it cute anyway.

 

Donghyuck went back towards the front of the store and peeked at the cash registers. Johnny still seemed to be shopping so they hurried up to pay and wrapped all their goods securely in the bag before Johnny appeared. The timing somehow worked out so fortunately. Donghyuck gripped the bag at their side, making every effort to appear completely nonchalant while also positioning it in such a way that if he looked and could see anything through it, it would just be the basics. “You're set?” Johnny asked as he strolled up to hand his items to the cashier. “Just give me a minute here.” Donghyuck nodded, throat too tight to vocalize.

 

Back at the dorm, Donghyuck was eager to shut themself away and try their new things out. They fluffed their hair out and slid the head band on to see how it looked. Donghyuck pursed their lips, examining the mirror.

 

“This is so cliché,” they muttered before taking it out and shoving all their purchases back into the bag and hiding it in a drawer. At about that time, before they could wallow in feeling disheartened for too long, a text came in. It was from Renjun.

 

He wanted to know if Donghyuck would come over for a 00's hangout. Apparently Jaemin had been whining about it, even though Donghyuck was in the Dream dorm so often it had been a while since the four of them had really done something together. They shot back a 'sure' and decided to leave right then.

 

The four gathered in the main area of the dorm, all lounging in silence on the sofa and chairs. “So, what exactly has my presence been requested for us to do?” Donghyuck inquired after a minute or so of no one speaking.

 

“Uhhh I don't know, we could watch a movie?” Jaemin said without much conviction.

 

“Oh my god Jaemin you're so useless!” Renjun exclaimed, resting his hand on his forehead as he leaned back further on the couch. “You're the one who suggested this.”

 

“We could go to bingo night together and I'd be happy with that!”

 

“Man you would...”

 

“Noraebang?” Donghyuck's suggestion was met with complete silence. “What...!”

 

“Anyway.” Jeno had been sitting off to the side. “We could just go out for some food, maybe watch a movie later? It's not that complicated.”

 

Renjun looked considering for a few moments. “Whatever, sounds fine. Jaemin's paying though.”

 

“Injunnie whyyy....” Jaemin whined, scandalized and fell over on the couch by his lap. “It's okay, I'll do it for all of you.” He wiped away a fake tear before Renjun shoved him back. Donghyuck observed with amusement. It's fun to be together with them regardless of the plan, Jaemin is right, of course.

 

They went out for food at an inexpensive place, at the behest of Jaemin while Renjun had been on his phone trying to look up directions to five-star restaurants, and spent a light-hearted time joking around and chatting. Partway through during a lull in the conversation while everyone was focused on their food, Donghyuck's mind wandered back to the previous day and the encounter with Johnny in the waiting room. Their first reaction had been denial at the accusation, naturally, but it had been weighing on their mind. Could he have been getting at something after all? Perhaps the amount of elation they feel when talking to and thinking about Chaewon really was because it was 'like that'. Donghyuck did not have an experience of the sort thus far and so wanted to consider carefully what that would mean. They ended up staring at their plate fixedly, picking at the food and not eating much for several minutes until Jeno made a questioning noise from beside them, asking quietly if they were alright. Donghyuck snapped back into the moment and tried to reassure him.

 

Donghyuck regarded the other three at the table: Jaemin was in the middle of trying to sneak bites from Renjun's plate who then jabbed an elbow into his side and Jeno was laughing breathily observing this with his eyes curled into their usual smile. Donghyuck rested their chin in their palm, leaning into the table and thought about what it would be like to discuss the topic currently on their mind with their friends. Their eyes drifted to study Renjun's face, which was currently lit up in glee, lightly mocking a pouting Jaemin. Donghyuck felt a strange turn in their stomach at the thought of trying to tell Renjun about liking someone. So they kept quiet.

 

The group returned to the dorm to finish off with a movie and Renjun took the reigns again, selecting some horror movie and jumping back onto the couch to grab onto Donghyuck's hand immediately. “Why do you pick this stuff if you're just going to get scared, you nerd?” they asked, letting Renjun thread their fingers together.

 

“More fun this way,” he said, settling in against Donghyuck's side. Jeno was staring at them with an unreadable expression, Donghyuck unsure if there was something he was expecting of them that they couldn't glean, before breaking away to actually press play. Donghyuck elected to ignore it. If Jeno had something to say, well, he could say it if he so chose.

 

They watched the movie, Renjun alternating between hiding behind Donghyuck's shoulder and mocking the on-screen characters for their idiotic actions, and Donghyuck occasionally attempting to startle Renjun during even the calm parts of the movie, to be met with a light punch in the shoulder. All in all the day ended nicely.

 

“Do you need me to stay over tonight to make sure the ghosts don't get you?” Donghyuck asked as they were about to leave.

 

“Hm, no I think I'll be alright,” Renjun said after a brief consideration. He was leaning against the door frame, their hands still attached since the beginning of the movie. Donghyuck looked down at them and then drew theirs back with a clearing of their throat, scratched at their neck awkwardly looking for a smooth end to the interaction.

 

“Well, bye then. You can text me if you change your mind though.” They flashed a grin and thumbs up and ducked out into the hallway, leaving behind Renjun's softly smiling face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing that heteronormie stuff killed me lol... johnny deserves better
> 
> thanks for reading :)


	6. Chapter 6

It was a busy next couple of days for Donghyuck, one of which even included an NCT Dream schedule for once. But at the end of all of that, when a moment of relaxation was finally attainable, days unanswered messages from Chaewon dropped them back into their dilemma. Maybe it was time to do something bold to finally figure it all out.

 

 **soleil_66:** hey chaewon.....

 

After a little while the reply came in.

 

 **chaewon:** hi!!!! ooo it's been a couple days what have you been up to??

 **soleil_66:** um I want to talk to you about something. serious....

 **chaewon:**?? what's up :c are you okay?

 **soleil_66:** I'm fine, it's just why I didn't respond for a while. I was thinking about this

 **chaewon:** I'm getting worried! T_T

 **soleil_66:** don't be!

 **soleil_66:** it's just that uh, chaewon.... I like you.... I wanted to tell you that

 **chaewon:** o h,

 

Donghyuck held their breath, waiting for Chaewon to continue. Their declaration was perhaps not very elegant, but they needed to see what it would feel like. Right now it was only nerves, and not relief. It occurred then that not only was there the issue of confessing feelings to a friend, but Chaewon was a girl too, and that wasn't a topic they had really discussed so far. Their body ran cold at the thought of losing Chaewon as simply a friend more than not receiving a reply of reciprocal feelings.

 

 **soleil_66:** can you say something please...

 **chaewon:** sorry

 **chaewon:** I'm just getting my thoughts together

 

Donghyuck let themself be a little optimistic at the fact that Chaewon at least had to think about it. After a few minutes a message finally came in.

 

 **chaewon:** so, you caught me by surprise a lot, but it's flattering that you have feelings like that for me and I don't want to make you feel bad about that.... you're a really fun and sweet friend to talk to but I don't really know much about you personally. it's fine that you're a private person, and I respect that! but I can't really return feelings like that either. it's hard for there to be as equal a connection.

 **soleil_66:** so it's because I'm not open, but if I was it would be possible...? not because we're both girls....

 **chaewon:** is this your first time coming out?

 **soleil_66:** I guess....

 

'Coming out' implied a higher level of openness and honesty than Donghyuck was sure they even had with themself yet. They didn't even know where they wanted this conversation to go, but they could feel themself almost at the brim, the surface starting to become so tangible. Being able to actually talk with someone about the burning in their chest when thinking about their place in the world—perhaps being more open is really what they needed. It looked like she was a safe space.

 

 **chaewon:** oh soleilll :c <3 I'm so proud of you! I know it's really hard. I've just told one friend too

 **chaewon:** if you're comfortable with being more open... I think it could be worth it

 **soleil_66:** yeah... okay. I think so too

 **chaewon:** maybe start with your name? I'd also be curious to see you... since you've been able to see my face the whole time

 **chaewon:** but I mean no pressure!!!

 

Donghyuck cringed at how they almost instinctively went to type 'Dongsook'—way too tacky. Instead they stared at their screenname for some quick inspiration before taking suspiciously too long to answer.

 

 **soleil_66:** I'm soyeon

 **chaewon:** cute!!! hi soyeon!!!!

 **soleil_66:** hehe hi...

 **soleil_66:** about a picture uhh, I don't look so hot right now, but maybe soon?

 **chaewon:** aww I'm sure that's not true, but whenever you're comfortable!

 

An unprecedented boldness swept through them at the thought of sending Chaewon a picture. If they could send her a picture and she still perceived them as a girl, that feeling of affirmation could probably last Donghyuck forever. It would take some work, but the thought became exciting rather than nerve-wracking.

 

When the conversation died down, Donghyuck got on their computer to search for some much needed supplies to make it happen. Even if Chaewon wasn't a person who paid attention to idols, it would still be important for their appearance to be less recognizable. Hopefully they could do enough with their makeup for that. Most important order of business though was a wig for sure. Donghyuck liked the idea of being a cute girl with a short hairstyle anyway, but a long wig would be... helpful for this circumstance. For only sending a selfie, they could get away with wearing any clothes they already had since it wouldn't even have to be seen much, but this was an opportunity and they felt a distinct pull towards seeing what it would feel like to wear something explicitly considered feminine. So they shopped around.

 

Donghyuck ended up with a cart with a long medium brown wig, a loose purple sweater with a wide neck, black tank-top with thick straps to go underneath, wavy black skirt and some tall pink socks. The socks would super extra not be visible in a selfie but they wanted them anyway. Donghyuck honestly had no idea what they were doing but just did their best to scrounge together something that would probably be cute. Shopping online in a genre one has no experience in is a nightmare enough, not to mention sizing, so they could only hope for it to at least turn out kind of okay. With a deep breath they shelled out for the fastest shipping option and called it a day on that front.

 

\--

 

The day the package was due to arrive Donghyuck was putting their best effort into not appearing jittery or anxious until they were able to get back to the dorm to collect it. Luckily it was another quiet day. They sat the package on their bed and stared at it, wielding a pair of scissors, until the reality finished sinking in and they opened it. Looking at the wig and clothes didn't send any immediate jolts or sparks through their system, just a calm detached realization that this was where it was going now. Time to get started.

 

Before diving in to the entire makeover, Donghyuck began with the neon green nail polish. They hadn't been trimming their nails down to stubs lately, so it looked pretty nice. Once it was decently dried, they gathered everything they needed and locked themself in the bathroom.

 

Donghyuck applied a full face of makeup to smooth out their skin and look as pretty and masked as possible and topped off with some shiny lip gloss. They dressed and put on the wig and took a second before lifting their gaze to meet the mirror. The sizes seemed to work out alright and it all looked pretty cute from their own perspective. The sweater was soft and the skirt was satisfyingly flouncy as they turned a little bit. Donghyuck met their face in the mirror.

 

It was a lot to take in, like a different person looking back. But also, just Donghyuck. It was so freeing and validating to see a physical manifestation of it for once. They loved being a girl to Chaewon but now they could even hope to think about somebody seeing them and not thinking of them as a boy. They didn't need to wear these kinds of clothes or have long hair just because of it being associated with traditional femininity to know what they were feeling intrinsically, but doing it felt like permission finally, a dam opening, letting everything rush out, to accept it and say it and know it that Lee Donghyuck was not a boy. Lee Donghyuck was a person who had their own experience and expression whatever that may be, whether it's seen as feminine or not, but they felt an attachment to it due to the obvious contrast between what they didn't see in themself, what was assumed and expected. Was Lee Donghyuck a girl? Or did they just like that idea because it meant they weren't a boy? Above all Lee Donghyuck was cute. And that's what they saw right now, and that made them happy.

 

Their picture was waiting to be taken however, but just one final touch before getting started. The cliché headband from before was sitting on the counter next to the pile of makeup and Donghyuck plopped it on their head this time with more confidence. With a final adjustment to the wig's bangs, they snatch up their phone and opened the camera. Donghyuck held up their signature peace sign and snapped a bunch of pictures at various angles.

 

Sitting down to look through them sent their confidence plummeting. Donghyuck could love how they looked to themself, but seeing the images looking back they could only scrutinize every detail that could make Chaewon think they weren't the kind of girl she thought they were. Suddenly they couldn't see that cuteness anymore. Should they obscure more of their face? Get their shoulders out of frame entirely? But then what was the point of a picture. They tried doing a more distant mirror selfie but then that just accentuated their entire body and Donghyuck suddenly felt ridiculous for thinking this was even possible and sunk down onto the floor, face buried in their knees and arms wrapping around their legs. How could they even have any hope or expectation of people in their life looking at them like they weren't a boy—Haechan an idol in a boy group. Maybe one misdirected internet friend was the best they were going to get.

 

Donghyuck held back any sounds of sobs—there were still likely at least a few other members somewhere in the dorm—but the tears would leak out of their own accord. A few minutes passed like that, nails digging in to their skin, trying to curl up as tight as possible. But they couldn't stay there for so long, so they stood up shakily and at least removed the makeup so they wouldn't be too much of a mess.

 

They were staring off blankly with unfocused eyes when several loud knocks startled them back to awareness. “Hey I need to take a shit. Are you almost done in there?” It was Yuta. Donghyuck froze, looking down at their attire and the mess on the counter.

 

“Um... give me a minute!” they called back in a tight voice, strained from their crying while rushing to yank the wig off, change back into their previous outfit and shove everything into the under sink cabinet.

 

Donghyuck hesitantly opened the door, trying not to look in his face. “Sorry, all yours,” they said, moving to slip past Yuta.

 

“Wait is everything okay?” Yuta must have noticed their red-rimmed eyes.

 

“Yeah, fine.” They shrugged away from Yuta trying to get a closer look at their face. “Don't you have some business to take care of anyway.” Donghyuck ran off before the interaction could become any more revealing.

 

It was empty inside the Dream dorm, at least that's how it seemed from a glance as Donghyuck burst in and rushed to Renjun's room having fought off their emotions from displaying on the walk over. The tears were making their way to the surface again and Donghyuck stared into the empty room, trembling hand gripping the doorknob. They needed to hug someone, and the Moomin doll wasn't exactly Renjun. Donghyuck curled up in the bed, trying to keep a hold on their sense of self. The whiplash from finally feeling to at ease acknowledging what had been brewing inside and the crushing reality of what that meant for their life was too much. They made a move for their phone to text Renjun and ask where he was but they were met with an empty pocket.

 

Donghyuck shot up, eyes wide, the image of their phone still sitting on the bathroom counter sending a wave of fear over them. Yuta probably wouldn't snoop and the time they had spent crying on the floor was probably enough for the screen to have locked before he even entered, protecting the pictures they had taken. They repeated this chain of logic to ease the anxious feeling. It would still be imperative to retrieve it before too long; if Chaewon sent any message with something incriminating in it, it would still show up. But Donghyuck was feeling too numb to move after coming down from their main bout of tears and only wanted someone to come back and hold them.

 

They had stopped processing time or any thoughts, but eventually the door creaked open.

 

“Oh.” The voice sounded a little taken aback. It was Jeno. Donghyuck made no move to lift their head or acknowledge his presence, just kept staring forward with unfocused eyes. He whispered something else outside the door and then came in quickly over to Donghyuck's side, kneeling to meet face-to-face.

 

“Donghyuck?” Renjun's concerned voice pierced the air and he came up immediately next to Jeno, pushing between and reaching out to cup Donghyuck's face. “Were you crying? What's wrong?”

 

Donghyuck didn't respond, looked between the two of them and simply reached out to grab Renjun's wrist. Renjun glanced down at the contact before before lowly whispering, “Jeno, maybe you should leave us alone.”

 

“What?” he responded indignantly, eyes narrowing at Renjun. “He's my friend too! I want to make sure he's alright.” Donghyuck buried their face in the sheets.

 

“I don't think he wants to talk to you.”

 

“Hey I didn't do anything I swear...”

 

“He doesn't need you scrutinizing him. Please leave it to me. You can talk to him later.” At that Renjun ushered Jeno out the door and approached Donghyuck again, gently encouraging them to turn their face back toward him. “Hey...” He sat on the edge of the bed and replaced his hand cupping their face and ran his thumb over the dried tear tracks. His other hand found Donghyuck's which was gripping the sheets and calmly loosened its tension, threading their fingers together. “Tell me what's wrong? Did something happen?”

 

“I just want a hug...” they murmured.

 

“Yeah, sure. Okay.” Renjun let them cling to his body, arms coming to wrap tightly around his sides, face buried on his shoulder. The two stayed like that in silence, Renjun merely offering soothing rubs on their back. When Donghyuck's body seemed to have fully relaxed, Renjun tried again.

 

“It seems like you cried a lot... I'm just worried. Can you tell me?”

 

Donghyuck released their hold on Renjun and fell back down on their side, arms curled by their face and peered up at Renjun, looking uncharacteristically shy. “Renjun.... tell me I'm pretty?”

 

Renjun's face screwed up in confusion. “Is that what this was about? Did someone try to tell you you weren't pretty? You're always obnoxiously proclaiming how cute you are...” Donghyuck's face fell and they averted their gaze. “No no wait!” Renjun rushed to amend his stumbling word choice. “I'm sorry I don't mean it like that... Of course you're pretty, Hyuck. Prettiest boy I know.”

 

The word coming out of Renjun's mouth of all people brought about a stronger tightness in their chest than usual. Donghyuck let out a suffering sigh. This accomplished nothing. Renjun didn't even know what they were asking, really. But he could tell they weren't happy with his response. “I can't help if you don't tell me.”

 

“I know, I'm sorry.” Donghyuck closed their eyes and felt Renjun's fingers start to thread through their hair. “Tell me I'm pretty.... but just that, please.” Donghyuck had no idea how Renjun could possibly be interpreting their strange request. Even before they had pushed back against Yuta and Johnny applying certain words to them, but somehow so plainly telling Renjun 'say it without the _boy_ ' felt too exposing and intimidating. They wanted to tell Renjun, they wanted so badly to have that validation ( _tell me I'm a pretty girl_ ) but the people most important can be the hardest to give any indication to of what's inside. But Renjun complied and Donghyuck let their imagination fill in the gaps.

 

\--

 

Later when everyone was preparing to eat the image of their phone and supplies in the bathroom was burning a hole in Donghyuck's mind. They knew they had to get back and deal with it as soon as possible, no matter how much they'd like to stay. Before they could leave though, Jeno approached, looking unconfident. “Are you alright now?” Donghyuck had gotten out the bulk of their turbulent emotions so they nodded. Jeno shifted his weight, hand gripping his elbow. “I'm sorry if I ever made you uncomfortable. I wasn't meaning to... if I did that.”

 

“What??” Donghyuck's eyes darted around Jeno's unexpectedly guilty expression, trying to figure out where it was coming from. “Jeno this doesn't have to do with you. I don't know where you got that idea...”

 

“Renjun maybe implied something once.”

 

“Oh. I— he didn't have to do that.” Donghyuck sighed and stepped closer to Jeno. “Here, I'll give you something to shoot back at him. You're my best friend too, so it's awfully presumptuous of him to assume that I wouldn't want to talk to you when I was upset... I mean maybe he was right in the moment but he can't assume that you're less worthy of checking up on me when I'm upset. I know I've been distant from you lately though, so I'm sorry about that too. But everything's all good now so you don't have to like, worry about me and shit. Love you though.” Donghyuck blew Jeno a kiss accompanied by a cheeky wink.

 

“Shut up,” he wheezed out, laughing slightly. “Love you too,” he said sincerely. Jeno did nothing more than give Donghyuck's shoulder a light squeeze, but it felt like one of the highest forms of affection coming from him so Donghyuck reveled in it and left ready to accomplish their mission.

 

Upon returning the smells out takeout filled the dorm.

 

“Hey Donghyuck! I saved you your favorite,” Yuta called over from where a few members seemed to be finishing up eating, waving a container towards them. Donghyuck went over to inspect what it was. They could feel Yuta's eyes on them and they hoped he didn't have it on his mind to bring up their bathroom encounter. But all he said was, “Oh, nice nails.”

 

… Right, that was still on. Donghyuck splayed out their free hand and observed them. “I'm expressing my love for Seasonies,” they replied smoothly and handed the carton back to Yuta. “I'll eat this later. Thanks.”

 

Armed with a plastic bag, slipping everything out of the bathroom unnoticed was no ordeal and their phone seemed untouched as far as they could tell, so they declared it a victory for now. Seeing the clothes and wig again attempted to stir something but Donghyuck had made an executive decision that their tear ducts had met their quota for probably the month, so they shut that down and kept everything at bay to have a peaceful rest of the night. The horizon would be fraught with difficulty, but all in due time.

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

It was finally the time that the promotional focus of their group switches back to NCT Dream—just the first rounds of concept meetings, so they would not be in the main throes of comeback preparations yet, but it was something to look forward to on the horizon. Donghyuck had always felt more in place and at ease in their feelings when with Dream before, but it would remain to be seen if their recent realization might change that. They hoped so desperately that it wouldn't; the time the seven of them get to promote all together in NCT Dream is already so precious and Donghyuck wants all of it to be positive memories.

 

A couple more days had passed since the picture taking incident and Donghyuck was still leaving Chaewon hanging. They had an excuse at least towards themself, but the guilt crept into their mind for it even though the anxiety at the thought of coming clean to her was in equal force. But Chaewon was the most likely person out of anyone they knew to be accepting and they were itching for an outlet to express their truth to _somebody_. Looking in the eyes of their bandmates while surrounded by the corporate feeling of the SM building and the realities and expectations of the industry blaring in the forefront does not inspire much confidence.

 

So that night, sitting up in bed with their knees pulled into an oversize sweatshirt, it was finally time.

 

**soleil_66:** sorry for ghosting again

**soleil_66:** I actually have something else to tell you... haha so predictable right

**soleil_66:** but I wanted to be open with you

**chaewon:** I'm glad you want to be open soyeon... I'm here for you. is it serious...? :c

**soleil_66:** um yeah, kind of

**chaewon:** T_T

**soleil_66:** I'm really scared to tell someone this but also like I have to? I want to tell you but I don't want you to think differently of me... but I don't think you will, right?

**chaewon:** I wouldn't!!!! I don't know what this is about but now I'm pretty worried, are you okay??

**soleil_66:** I'm okay I'll just try to explain

**soleil_66:** I wanted to take the picture I said I would send you but it didn't work out exactly how I planned. the thing is I'm not a girl in the way you think I am but like, I wish I was? or at least the fact that I can come into this space where someone sees me as a girl is something that makes me so happy and has been so special and I want to be able to feel like that in real life too because I don't feel like a guy at all but that's the role I have to take and what everyone will treat me as. I thought at first with the picture it would feel so validating if you still thought I was a girl but... I knew you would be able to tell. but I've felt so out of place and so scared coming to realize this about myself. I can't tell the people I know but I HAD to tell somebody to make it real... it's not just “pretending” to an online friend anymore

**soleil_66:** that was a lot but yeah. also obviously my name isn't actually soyeon, sorry

**chaewon:** oh gosh, I wish I could give you a hug :( I want you to know that of COURSE I don't think differently of you, this is really brave of you to tell me. I'm glad I was able to provide that space you could feel free in yourself in even unknowingly, but I'm gladder you could trust me with this. I'm definitely here for you 100%. I'm sorry it must be so hard in real life :( :(

**chaewon:** would you say you're a trans girl then? is soyeon your chosen name?

 

Donghyuck could cry. Somehow they had faith in Chaewon, but seeing a real person pour out support for how they really felt was almost overwhelming.

 

**soleil_66:** I don't know... I don't think it had really come up in my mind to this point. I don't even know if I _am_ a girl, I just know I'm not a boy and so feeling like a girl is nice and I feel a connection to femininity and the idea of being a girl even if I don't know if I fall into that identity in the same way as other girls

**soleil_66:** uhhh hashtag not like other girls

**chaewon:** akhsdfjk OMG

**chaewon:** but what you're saying is totally valid, there's definitely other people like you. I'm sure you could find some people to talk to online who feel the same way

**soleil_66:** maybe...

**chaewon:** well, for what my opinion is worth, if you like feeling like a girl and want people to see you as a girl then even if it's more complicated on the inside, I think you could call yourself a trans girl if it will give you some comfort and confidence in your identity

**soleil_66:** maybe you're right... I'll try it out

**soleil_66:** thank you so much this means a lot to me :(

**chaewon:** of course!!! :( :( :(

**soleil_66:** also about my name, soyeon is just something I came up with on the spot

**soleil_66:** my name is actually donghyuck

**chaewon:** is that how you want me to call you? do you feel like you want a different name

**soleil_66:** really I'm okay with my name, it's who I am

**chaewon:** that's cool!!

**chaewon:** do you have anyone in your life at all you think you could trust with this? :c

**soleil_66:** there might be one person who is the closest to someone I would want to tell, but it's just a little dangerous

**chaewon:** I understand... my heart goes out to you

 

“What are you up to?” Jaehyun had apparently entered the room at some point, his words startling Donghyuck who had been so immersed in the conversation.

 

“N-nothing!” She shut the screen off and slammed it face down onto the bed, not that Jaehyun would have been able to see it from the other side of the room. Way to not look suspicious.

 

“Uhh, okay. You just had an interesting expression on your face,” he said, looking a little too amused at Donghyuck's flustered nervous expression.

 

“Whatever.” She sharply turned her back on Jaehyun.

 

“You ready to turn in?”

 

“Hmm, yeah,” Donghyuck muttered into the pillow. She had a lot to sleep on anyway. Jaehyun turned out the lights.

 

**soleil_66:** I'm going to sleep now. thanks so much for everything again <3

**chaewon:** good night sweet baby :)

 

\-- 

 

Donghyuck woke up the next morning with the sun. _Wow, first full day as a trans girl_. She giggled a bit to herself. It was a little exciting when she only thought about it from inside her own bubble. But there was again business today at SM for the upcoming comeback. Donghyuck hoped they could hear some demos finally since the concept was close to being finalized.

 

There was a lightness and bounce in her step as she got ready, humming softly as she entered the kitchen for some sustenance.

 

“Dude, what's got you so chipper this early,” Mark said with a still half-asleep voice.

 

Donghyuck scoffed. She wasn't going to let Mark's bro-talk get to her already. “Isn't it a good thing for me to be happy lately? Not that you would have noticed.”

 

“What's that supposed to mean?” Mark spluttered into his coffee.

 

Oops, she was accidentally catty. “Uh, nothing.” Donghyuck quickly made a simple breakfast and ate with her face turned down towards it, avoiding Mark's confused narrowed eyes.

 

“You know, you seem to make it a point to not spend much time around us so I'm not sure if it's supposed to be my fault that I haven't seen you a lot lately other than schedules where you stay turned into yourself and look like you'll snap at anyone.”

 

Donghyuck carefully made no reaction. He was... right, she supposed.

 

“You did seem more in your element when we were doing the concept matching though. So... glad that you're happy now or whatever.” It seemed to pain Mark to force that out, but his tone was genuine and Donghyuck was just as glad to leave the conversation at that. She coughed awkwardly and put her dish away.

 

“You're ready, right? Let's go.”

 

There was a demo to listen to that day, in fact. The team still had not settled on a title track that was up to their level of satisfaction though, so it was a b-side. The members would have some time to familiarize themselves with the vocal parts and melody while the Korean lyrics were being finished and then the process of actually recording would begin sometime after.

 

“Oh, I like this one,” Renjun commented, sitting on the couch in the studio while they were monitoring the track. He looked up over his paper at Donghyuck on the other side who was immersing herself in the song. “I think it will suit your vocals nicely.”

 

Donghyuck got shy at the sudden attention and Renjun's gaze boring into her. “Huh? I mean, yours too.”

 

Renjun propped his chin on his palm, leaning on the arm of the couch, a sweet smirk crossing his face and not losing eye contact with Donghyuck. “Hmm, yeah. We'll sound good together.” Donghyuck slid down slightly and covered her face with the paper.

 

“Oh my god, shut up. I have to deal with this here too?” Jeno groaned from his position sitting between the two. There was no malice in his voice, but a playful frustration, though still equally tired of the antics between them.

 

Renjun flicked his paper in Jeno's direction. “Oh sorry, Jeno. Are you feeling left out? Need me to shower you in compliments too?”

 

Jeno rubbed at his nose bridge and exhaled a long breath. “No no, by all means, you two have at it.” He got up to go across the room and discuss something with Mark. Renjun took the opportunity to jump across to the other side of the couch and position himself right against Donghyuck's side. He flared the paper out in front of them and started pointing at it.

 

“Our harmony in this part would be so good, right? Seasonies won't know what hit them.” He looked really cute, the excitement for the song evident on his face. Donghyuck bit on her thumbnail and smiled behind her hand.

 

\-- 

 

They had a good day getting to know their new song and at the end of it, as expected, Mark went on his own way back while Donghyuck stuck with the other Dreamies and returned with them. The majority of them were currently engaged in an argument about dinner plans. Donghyuck stood off to the side, not having much of an opinion in the matter that day, her mind being occupied by other things—she would be singing again soon and that's all she could wait for.

 

Jeno extricated himself from the debate and came to stand beside Donghyuck, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms casually. “You know,” he started in a whisper. “I feel like I would have known by now but has Renjun told you anything recently?”

 

Donghyuck shook herself from her daydream, eyebrows furrowing at Jeno's words. They were a little confusing. “Uhh, told me what? What do you mean, like serious?”

 

Jeno sighed. “I didn't think so. You two should probably talk to each other at some point though.”

 

That was setting off her alarm. What did they need to talk about? Did he find out, Renjun or Jeno? _No, don't go off getting paranoid_. How could either of them have possibly found out. Her thoughts started racing as she stood there in silence, Jeno observing her from the side.

 

“Talk about what...” she hesitated to inquire.

 

“Oh, you know.”

 

Wow, so helpful, Jeno.

 

“Clearly not,” Donghyuck huffed and pushed off from the wall. She went to go see how the dinner argument was progressing. Apparently they had decided on something. Good. Maybe soon Jeno would be able to stuff his mouth with food instead of making her worry about cryptic shit.

 

Dinner itself went pleasantly until it escalated into Renjun and Jisung yelling about which cryptids were more likely to exist, with Jaemin humoring their debate, needling Renjun with questions trying to get him to explain his evidence until he was floundering. Chenle was cracking up, Jeno laughed quietly by blowing air out of his nose at every exchange and Donghyuck also found everything highly amusing, joining Jaemin too to good-naturedly tease Renjun for his beliefs.

 

Maybe that's what Jeno was implying they needed to talk about—Renjun's deepening obsession with mythos and conspiracy.

 

At the end, Renjun and Jisung were put on cleanup duty as punishment for subjecting everyone else to their nonsense. Donghyuck decided to stick around and keep them company, though mostly she was staring at Renjun while her mind kept going over the strange exchange with Jeno. If he was concerned there was something Renjun needed to talk to Donghyuck about but still wasn't telling her to the point that Jeno thought he needed to interfere, maybe she ought to start the conversation first. Donghyuck didn't feel very confident in trying to confront Renjun about something that she didn't even know what it was, but Jeno had basically set her up to not being able to stop thinking about it unless she did. So, she resigned herself to it.

 

Renjun put the last dish away and Donghyuck shot up and grabbed his wrist. “Hey, let's go.” Not waiting for his response she dragged him over to his and Jeno's room that Jeno had conveniently decided not to retire to and locked the door.

 

“Um, Donghyuck?” Renjun didn't look too confused at her sudden action because Donghyuck being up to some kind of antics is about the usual course most of the time.

 

Donghyuck dropped his wrist and spun around to face him. She didn't have a plan for this but might as well just dive on in.

 

“Little bird told me you have something on your mind.”

 

“Little bird,” Renjun repeated in a flat tone.

 

“Shut up, I'm trying to take the initiative here!” Donghyuck laid her hands on Renjun's shoulders. “Let's sit down. Have a chat. Talk about our feelings.”

 

“Feelings—what—” But Renjun was already being steered across the room and shoved down into his desk chair. Donghyuck stood and hovered awkwardly looking down at Renjun, shifting her weight from foot to foot. Where to go from here...

 

“Look, I don't know if something's wrong or bothering you or if something happened but Jeno told me we should talk and I don't know about what but he was like 'Donghyuck, has Renjun _told_ you anything recently' and like, you haven't told me anything really other than about how amazing my vocals are which like we all already knew so—” Donghyuck cut off her rambling when she noticed Renjun dropping his face in his hands and groaning.

 

“Jeno, I swear...” he muttered to himself and dragged his hands down his face, daring to peer up and look Donghyuck in the eyes. A scared expression on Renjun's face was a rare sight when actually concerning himself, which made Donghyuck get nervous too, wondering what he was hiding.

 

“Okay,” Renjun said with new resolve in his voice and reached out to grab Donghyuck's wrists. His grip on her wrists tightened slightly as he stared down at them, seeming to gather everything in his head that he needed to say. Donghyuck looked on, not knowing what to expect.

 

“Is—is it something bad? I don't usually see you like this, Renjun.”

 

Renjun squeezed his eyes shut. “I thought it was for a while, I thought it was just one more thing that was wrong with me, something I had to quash down and work past—”

 

“What do you mean one _more_ ,” Donghyuck tried to interject, but Renjun continued.

 

“But Jeno did help me with that, I talked to him a lot about it. Or some amount, at least. So I know he wants me to be fully honest with—this thing. That's probably why he decided to get involved now, I guess. He knows I struggled a lot and that I ought to—so that—” Renjun swallowed thickly, his sentence dying. Donghyuck could hardly breathe seeing him looking so fragile.

 

“I'm mostly okay with it now though so you don't need to worry even though I sound like this right now, just thinking about it again, you know, reminds me.” Renjun still not saying anything specific wasn't doing anything to quell Donghyuck's worry, though.

 

“Can you look at me? Please?” When Renjun still didn't lift his head she continued, “Is there something that has to do with me...? The way Jeno was talking...” Renjun rubbed his thumbs over the inside of Donghyuck's wrists.

 

“Hmm, kind of...” Renjun finally looked up. He looked more shy than pained now, but wasn't making any more moves to explain.

 

“Anytime you want to let me in...”

 

“It's hard to just say it, you know.”

 

“Well apparently you told Jeno?”

 

“That was different.” Renjun looked down again.

 

“No, no, I'm sorry!” Donghyuck slipped her hands away from Renjun's grip and reached to cup Renjun's face and lift his chin back up. “Don't listen to me, I'm dumb. I get that whatever this is is hard for you, I just want to be there for you. You're always there for me.” She slid her hands down and rested them on Renjun's shoulders at the base of his neck in what she hoped was a comforting touch.

 

“You know you're really important to me, right?” Donghyuck nodded slowly. “Well, there was a reason I had to talk this out with Jeno.” She held her breath and waited. “Since a while back I noticed I had been developing... feelings...” Renjun's voice tapered out at the end and a blush was rising on his face, but Donghyuck couldn't pay attention to that at the moment.

 

“Feelings,” she repeated. She had an inkling where this was going and swallowed nervously.

 

“Y-yes. If you have any skills of observation at all I think you should be able to tell that obviously I'm talking about ones directed at _you_.”

 

Donghyuck's heart was picking up speed and her hands tensed at the point of contact with Renjun's skin. “What exactly are you saying...”

 

Renjun scowled ever so slightly. “Are you really going to be obtuse about this? I thought you al—I like you, Donghyuck. You're the one who lights up my world—okay nevermind scratch that cheesy bullshit. You know it was really hard for me when I was coming to terms with... with being gay, so I just need you to... to not...” Renjun let out a shuddering breath and clutched at the fabric of Donghyuck's shirt.

 

The realization of Renjun being attracted to her as a guy was blaring in Donghyuck's mind and she pulled her hands away from him with a force like she had been burned. Renjun had unwittingly been made into her safe space and though logically he couldn't be blamed for what he didn't know, being reminded of what she was in Renjun's eyes was like something breaking inside her, especially the whiplash after having just settled herself in her new identity. She could tell so viscerally looking at Renjun how much his stomach must have dropped at her reaction and the panic evident on her face, but all she could do was stare and pull away from him.

 

“Please say something,” Renjun begged, voice tight.

 

The line was familiar and Donghyuck was hypocritical but her throat had closed and her teeth were clenched. “I-I'm sorry,” she forced out and backed away slowly to bolt from the room before any tears could start welling up, leaving a stunned and confused Renjun behind.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pronoun change a little on the nose, but it had to be done heh
> 
> im so sorry renjun :( :( :(


	8. Chapter 8

The guilt hit Donghyuck when she made it back to her own room, for leaving Renjun like that in his vulnerable moment, but she couldn't stay there and give him reason to question why she would start breaking down at a confession like that. She wasn't ready to tell him. Her brain was barely even able to process the fact that the point of the conversation had been Renjun admitting he liked her over the constricting of her chest as she was forced back into the reality of her position. Her good mood from the first part of the day irrevocably lost.

 

She laid there completely still, the only sounds in the room her soft sniffles, no energy to even cry fully, and her mind blank—all the touches and moments she had shared with Renjun carefully blocked out. She couldn't think about that now.

 

An hour, at least, probably, passed like that until there was a knock at her door and a voice from out in the hall. “Hyuck, open up. It's Jeno.”

 

Donghyuck pushed herself up, eyebrows furrowing, wondering what he could want, hoping it was unrelated to the previous incident, but given how he was the instigator... Donghyuck didn't let her brain work all the way through the logic on that one. She padded hesitantly over to the door and unlocked it, cracking it open only just wide enough for Jeno to slip in, keeping her face hidden from the hallway.

 

Jeno closed the door firmly behind him and Donghyuck was met with his face set in cold anger and his eyes burning into her. She stepped back away from him automatically, but he advanced poking a finger into her chest until her heel caught the edge of her bed and her legs buckled under her with Jeno looming above.

 

“I can't believe you,” he started. “I never would have pushed you to talk to him if I knew it would end up like this. But you really had me fooled I guess.”

 

“Jeno, w-what—”

 

“You really have the guts to play innocent right now? With the way you act you're really the last person I would have imagined having a problem with it. He had gotten to such a good place but you sent him spiraling back down.”

 

“Problem...?”

 

“Yes, problem, Donghyuck you genius! I just had to console Renjun for an hour because he thinks you're freaked out by him being gay!”

 

“What?!” Donghyuck yelped in shock. “That's not—”

 

“Then why was he telling me about you 'recoiling in disgust' and 'running away like you couldn't stand him in your sight'?”

 

Donghyuck couldn't breathe again, everything was turning out even worse. Her actions having this effect on Renjun—it turned her stomach so unpleasantly but her voice was stuck.

 

“Nice job leading him on by the way, you had us both convinced. I mean I know you're affectionate but you really went all out with him. You know you can reject someone if you don't return their feelings without making them think you hate them.”

 

At that time the door had opened again and Jaehyun strolled in. “Oh,” he said once he noticed the tension between Donghyuck and Jeno. “Hi Jeno...” They both stared at him, no one saying anything. But with a cavalier tone he continued, “Why didn't you just tell this person you have a girlfriend, Donghyuck?” Well. Apparently he had caught that last bit.

 

Donghyuck's mouth dropped open at his words and Jeno whipped his head back to her, the anger on his face spiking again. “Are you serious?” The volume of his voice was rising dangerously. “Is that why? You need to tell Renjun that before he—” Jeno slapped his hands over his mouth once he remembered their current company.

 

“Whoa...” Jaehyun whispered, his eyes darting back and forth between Donghyuck and Jeno.

 

“Jaehyun hyung, please—!”

 

Jaehyun rushed to cross the room and grab onto Jeno's shoulders in a reassuring gesture. “Jeno, don't worry, it's okay. I won't tell anyone, I promise.”

 

“Ughhh.” Jeno reached up to bury his hands in his hair, looking stressed. “Renjun, I'm so sorry...” he muttered to himself.

 

Donghyuck finally calmed her pulse down enough to concentrate on actually saying something. “Jeno, I don't know where Jaehyun got that from, I don't—”

 

Jeno jabbed his finger in Donghyuck's direction again. “Look Donghyuck, I don't care. You just need to fix this because you made a mess. You better talk to him,” he snapped. “Bye hyung.” And then he was gone.

 

Donghyuck stared at the empty space in front of her, frozen, trying to process everything that just happened. She could only really blame herself for the message that Renjun had received from her actions, but fixing it? Donghyuck had no idea what to do. The thought of rejecting Renjun's feelings sent a discomforting pang through her chest as much as the thought of coming out to him.

 

Jaehyun looked on with concern from the side. “You guys are going to be preparing for your comeback soon, right?” Donghyuck nodded weakly, gathering her legs against her chest and hiding her face. Jaehyun sighed. “You'll need to work this out before it affects your team.” He came to sit next to Donghyuck on the bed and draped an arm across her shoulders, pulling her against his side. “I'm sorry about the girlfriend comment. Totally inappropriate time for teasing. I didn't realize it was so serious—anyway... sorry.” They stayed there like that in silence for another few moments. “Do you actually not like Renjun back or are you just scared?” Donghyuck stiffened in his hold. “Donghyuck, it's okay...”

 

“It's not that simple.” Her voice was barely audible.

 

“I know... and you'd have to be careful no matter what, but Renjun's feelings are the most important thing here. Going by Jeno it seems he's really been upset. Don't let him think something that isn't true.”

 

“I'd like to be alone.” Donghyuck shrugged out of Jaehyun's arm. “I mean, it's your room too, I'm not saying leave, but just...” Jaehyun nodded in understanding but before he stood up,

 

“Do you want a hug?”

 

How could she resist.

 

\--

 

The next few days were awkward. Donghyuck knew, intellectually, that she needed to let Renjun know he had it all wrong, but trying to think of how she could reasonably convince him of that stilled her into cowardice. The work days at the company dragged, Renjun missing his usual life-force, Jeno spending at least half the time blatantly glaring at Donghyuck, and Donghyuck the entirety of her focus directed at only the songs and the producers and her own practice. The others would probably have an easy time noticing that something was up, but Donghyuck didn't look at their faces enough to even tell. At the end she would wordlessly return home with Mark, not setting foot in the Dream dorm for probably a record amount of time for the past few months. Then she would shut herself away and play with Coco on her DS to forget about her impending responsibility.

 

It was the first day to start actually recording the new song. They all gathered in the studio and the producer signaled for Renjun to enter the booth. His pretty and rich tone filled Donghyuck's ears and she let herself get lost in it until the song was cut off and the producer called for her to go next.

 

Donghyuck took a deep breath inside the booth, attempting to shake off any thoughts that were not about music and singing and melody. She adjusted the microphone in front of her and waited for the producer's cue. The music started and Donghyuck counted off the beats until her part. When it came she opened her mouth and let her passion and emotions flow out. But the music cut off during her next line.

 

“Wait wait, Donghyuck,” the producer called from outside the booth. Donghyuck stilled looking out at him, mouth open in confusion. “Remember what kind of song this is. Watch your tone, it shouldn't sound so overwrought. Let's go again.”

 

She sang again and she could feel the weight of her voice and the heaviness of her heart coloring every note. She expected it when the music cut off a second time. The producer was rubbing his temples. “Come back on out here.”

 

Donghyuck hurried to grab her paper and exit the booth. The producer pointed for her to sit on the couch next to Renjun. He tapped his pen against the table as he turned to observe them.

 

“You two aren't matching your tone or style at all, it's like you're singing completely different songs. Did you even practice this together at all?”

 

Donghyuck and Renjun bowed their heads and mumbled apologies to the producer. “Sorry, we'll work harder.”

 

The producer sighed. “Yeah, yeah. Look, you need to get this worked out. I'm done with you for today, but you better come back tomorrow with it all sorted. Jaemin! Let's hear you next.”

 

Jaemin shot up immediately and entered the booth at the producer's word, eager to escape the awkwardness. Donghyuck felt a breath on her ear.

 

“You can bet that I'll make sure you don't leave this building until you actually talk to Renjun,” Jeno said in a low whisper. Donghyuck nodded and shifted her glance over to Renjun. Singing was all she had and now she was screwing even that up and affecting her team. With no preamble she grabbed Renjun's wrist and dragged him out of the recording studio.

 

Donghyuck found and empty practice room and sat down in the middle of it with Renjun. He looked just as nervous as she felt and a little scared too and Donghyuck knew she couldn't let Renjun continue to think she had any sort of problem with him.

 

“Renjun,” she started, making eye contact with him. “I'm so sorry for the way I reacted the other day and for what my actions led you to believe I think—Jeno told me. Please know that that's not true at all and please also know that there's nothing wrong with you and I don't think anything like that at all. I feel so guilty that I ignored you and let you feel scared of me, I was also scared trying to imagine how to fix it but I know that's not an excuse.”

 

“I just want to know why you pulled your hand away and ran out. Sometimes people's gut reactions—” Renjun's voice was wavering slightly. Donghyuck cut him off.

 

“No! I promise. I really wish I hadn't but it's only something that has to do with me, okay? It's not a reflections of my feelings towards you. Being gay is like, super great, anyway.”

 

Renjun laughed with a shy smile. “Alright. But does that mean...? I still don't really get it Donghyuck. Or was it just because I'm only a friend to you?”

 

“Being gay or straight I don't think really makes much sense to apply to me.” Donghyuck leaned back on her palms and looked off elsewhere in the room. The admission was getting a little too close to the truth.

 

“Okay...” Renjun said hesitantly, trying to make sense of Donghyuck's statement and her uncomfortable aura, along with her smooth evasion of his last question. “I'm glad it was a misunderstanding at least. But if you're having trouble with something like this I'd hope you would talk to me or Jeno about it. I could see your distress that day and it reminded me of myself in the past. You shouldn't have to keep that inside and go through it alone.”

 

Donghyuck scooted over to sit right next to Renjun and leaned her head on his shoulder. “Renjun, you're so amazing, you know that right?” She sighed with a small whine in her voice. “I wish I could tell you but I'm not ready.” She figured the chances of Renjun being accepting of her were at least a little higher than they were before a couple days ago, but just suddenly spitting it out unprepared in this emotionally charged atmosphere was not the way to go.

 

“Is whatever this is why you don't want to um, respond...”

 

There was the difficult part again. Donghyuck had avoided thinking about it straightforwardly. “I know it's unfair to leave you guessing and me being vague. I don't think it would be honest of me to... reject you, or say we're only friends. You're really important to me too, Renjun. But for right now, I need to leave it at that. Sorry.”

 

Renjun gently laid a hand on top of Donghyuck's. “Okay. I can live with that.”

 

Donghyuck sniffed loudly and changed her tone over to a more light-hearted one, standing up and holding her hand out for Renjun. “Anyway, we should probably work on that song, right?”

 

They made a lot of progress, working on their harmonies to sound beautiful together. Donghyuck could peer over at Renjun while he was singing and feel her heart fill. Their combined power when not held back by emotional turmoil was something to be beheld. The producer should be more than pleased, Donghyuck thought. Of course, there was still the unsettled matter lingering in the air, but at least they were on more solid ground.

 

On their way heading out of the building to go home at the end of the day, Donghyuck had a lengthy exchange of intense eye contact with Jeno, but when he saw the returned calmness to Renjun's features and how they walked comfortably in step, he broke it with an approving nod. His scrutiny still made Donghyuck feel guilty but she would vow to fix the whole matter soon. She returned to her proper dorm that night, still a little uneasy about jumping back into her previous habits—besides, she had a lot to think about.

 

\--

 

**chaewon:** heyyy~ how was your day :) :)

**soleil_66:** busy... usual

**chaewon:** aw :c

**soleil_66:** actually there was a... development

**chaewon:** oh?

**soleil_66:** I kinda want to talk about it

**soleil_66:** sorry you're always my dumping ground for this lol :/

**chaewon:** nooo it's fine

**chaewon:** what happened?

**soleil_66:** um well, this is all very weirdly coincidental but a couple days ago a friend of mine told me that uh he likes me

**soleil_66:** and I didn't exactly have the best response to it because I just like glitched thinking about how that meant he likes me as a guy and that stressed me out and I wanted to get away from it

**soleil_66:** so reasonably he wants to know... why that happened. and why I won't give him a response. which would mean telling him about who I am. and like, ideally I want to... but I'm afraid

**chaewon:** oh wow. you're thinking about doing it though?

**soleil_66:** I mean... I don't know

**chaewon:** first, you like him too? I think that's the important thing. or do you still like me

**chaewon:** WAIT THAT WAS BAD SORRY

**soleil_66:** omg... it's okay. I think I sort of realized that maybe I was conflating it with my feelings of being a girl, since I could only associate you with that. no offense.......

**soleil_66:** but I think with my friend there's been something there the whole time that I just didn't acknowledge

**chaewon:** jfsdkj none taken. I'm glad you could sort your feelings out with coming to terms with your identity <3 but yeah, I figure the reason this hit you so hard was because you have more at stake. otherwise you could just reject his feelings right? so it might be worth it to tell him. since he's lgbt too he'd probably be more likely to understand. if you wanted encouragement. I def get that it's still risky and scary

**soleil_66:** what if he doesn't like me if I'm a girl

**chaewon:** :c you'd just have to talk to him about that I guess. but the important thing would be being accepted for who you are by a friend who's special to you, right?

**soleil_66:** yeah... I just have to work up the courage

**chaewon:** I'm sending you all the hugs in the world <3

**soleil_66:** thanks

 

Donghyuck puffed out a breath. Thinking about how she could say this to Renjun and then envisioning every possible outcome was stressful. But Renjun was kind and smart and loved her and supposedly Donghyuck lights up his world—he wouldn't want to extinguish that over something maybe he didn't understand, right? She tried to repeat this to herself as a mantra.

 

A little outside insight couldn't hurt though. Donghyuck walked over to her desk and picked up her deck of tarot cards. Briefly she held them to her chest, closed her eyes and cleared her mind before laying them out.

 

She focused on the energy of the cards and which ones were resonating with her and then pulled her selection towards her. She flipped over the three cards and spread them out evenly. The card faces stared up at her and she searched through her mind what she had been studying as their meanings in order to find an interpretation that could help her.

 

But all Donghyuck could come up with was misfortune and pain. “Ugh.” In frustration she swiped at the deck, sending some of the cards flying to the floor. “Wait, fuck.” She jumped up to gather them and rubbed her thumb along the surface of one. “I'm sorry that was mean of me,” she whispered to it and then put them back in the box. So much for that idea.

 

Donghyuck went out to get a drink of water. Thinking about her apparent impending doom was making her throat dry.

 

On her way to the kitchen she passed Yuta who was lounging in the common area. “Hey Hyuck, how's it going?”

 

Donghyuck sighed wistfully. “The stars don't seem to be in alignment for me today, Yuta. How it goes sometimes.” She kept her tone humorous but Yuta seemed to be considering it.

 

“Do you have a minute? I want to talk to you.”

 

“Uh, I guess? I was just getting something to drink.”

 

“Cool. Get it and then come with me.”

 

This was unusual. Donghyuck eyed Yuta skeptically as she backed into the kitchen to get her water. He motioned for her to follow him to his room and she walked behind him slowly, sipping on her water and wondering where this could be going. Inside the room his roommates were gone and Yuta pulled out a chair for Donghyuck to sit in. She sat down, still never taking her suspicious glance off his face.

 

“So, uh, what?” she asked, eloquently.

 

Yuta had pulled out another chair and was sitting facing her awfully close and with a concerned look on his face. Donghyuck was getting some weird intervention vibes from it but she didn't know what she had done to draw Yuta's attention.

 

“I know this isn't usually the role I take on so bear with me. I'm not sure what the best way to bring this up is but...” Yuta rubbed at the back of his neck was beginning to look a little awkward too. “Forgive me in advance if I've made the wrong assumptions.”

 

“Can you just spit it out already, you're making me nervous.” Donghyuck drummed her fingers on the arm of the chair.

 

“Well I want to be delicate... I just noticed some things lately. How have you been feeling? Is there anything you want to talk about with someone? I want you to know you can tell me anything, full confidence.”

 

“Is this about the Renjun thing because I'll have you know I fixed that today.”

 

“What? No.” Yuta quirked his eyebrow. “You had a thing with Renjun?”

 

“Uhh, nevermind.” Donghyuck sighed. “Look I can tell you're trying to get me to admit something instead of just telling me whatever this assumption you've made is. I know I've been closed off or like having an attitude or something but this counselor shtick is kind of weird coming from you.”

 

“I want somebody to be there for you, if you need it. I do care, you know.” Yuta's face was too sincere Donghyuck had to hide behind her glass and avoid eye contact.

 

“Yes, yes,” she mumbled and took another sip. After clearing her throat she tacked on, “I'm not doing any drugs, don't worry.”

 

Yuta rolled his eyes. “Smartass.” Donghyuck chucked. “But actually...” he pursed his lips and seemed to be considering his options for how to approach. “The other day, when you were crying in the bathroom...”

 

Donghyuck tensed. She didn't need to be taken back to that moment. “I wasn't crying.”

 

“Donghyuck—”

 

“Where's your evidence?”

 

“I just want to make sure you're okay.”

 

“Literally days ago. A little late to the party aren't you?” Donghyuck knew she was getting conspicuously defensive but she didn't like where this was going.

 

Yuta was doing his best to remain calm and continued on. “I used up the end of the roll of toilet paper so I went into the cabinet to get a new one.”

 

Donghyuck froze, eyes widening, mouth falling open. Apparently this was the worst timeline. What kind of cosmic force allows toilet paper to expose her. This must have been what the tarot cards were talking about. Yuta tried to reach out towards Donghyuck's arm but she snapped it away, staring at him with a reddening face, heart pounding in her chest. She could only wait in silence for whatever Yuta was going to make of this.

 

But he could tell he didn't have to specify what he found. “And I remembered something you said to me before, when you said that you weren't a dude...”

 

Donghyuck closed her eyes, deflating slightly in defeat. She did say that.

 

“You've seemed uncomfortable sometimes and I noticed you stopped saying hyung too. I just don't want you to be alone if there's something you're going through.” Yuta was saying everything gently with a genuine concerned tone rather than being accusing or confronting but the pricking was still starting in Donghyuck's eyes at being cornered like this. She squeezed them shut tighter.

 

“Just... say it why don't you,” she grit out. “I know you want to.” She felt a hand on her shoulder but didn't move this time.

 

“I want you to know you can trust me first, okay? It's alright, whatever your answer is.” There was an excruciatingly long pause. “When you told me you weren't a dude was that accurate to your feelings? Are you questioning your gender?” His voice had gotten so quiet at the end. Donghyuck felt herself break, she had been defeated since the cabinet revelation. The first person in real life to know and she didn't even get to choose to do it herself. She opened her eyes, just staring at the floor and nodded with only the most minute movement of her head.

 

“I'm a girl, Yuta.” One tear rolled off her face and splashed into the glass she was still holding in a death grip. Yuta pried it away and set it on the floor and pulled Donghyuck into a hug, quietly repeating 'it's okay'.

 

After some moments Donghyuck pulled back, wiped at her face and set her expression into something indifferent. “Well excellent deductive work there, you found me out.”

 

Yuta frowned and did look a little guilty. “I'm sorry I accosted you with this, but I really wanted you to know there would be someone on your side.”

 

Donghyuck leaned on the arm of the chair and pulled her feet up into it, trying to become as small as she could. “Thanks I guess... You're familiar with this stuff?” She looked at him curiously. It was quite a conclusion to come to, even if she had blatantly said it to him before essentially.

 

“Oh, maybe a little.” Donghyuck hummed and didn't inquire further. “Does anyone else know?” Yuta asked.

 

“No,” Donghyuck said in a small voice. “Please don't tell.”

 

“Of course.”

 

Another awkward silence passed. Yuta was clearly out of his element now and didn't know where to take the conversation now that he had gotten the information that he wanted.

 

“So. Do you want to call me oppa?”

 

“ _What_?!” Donghyuck's elbow nearly slipped off the chair as she looked in alarm at Yuta's face which was grinning a bit too much so soon after the serious conversation that had just transpired.

 

“I mean if you're a girl wouldn't that make you feel good? Since you don't want to say hyung. Obviously not around the others! Although between the two of us it would probably be really easy to play it off as a joke and no one would think twice.” Yuta shut himself up when he saw Donghyuck staring dumbly at him.

 

“I don't know about all that...”

 

“Why don't you try and see how you feel?”

 

She had thought before that it would be nice to call someone unnie, but unfortunately her and Chaewon were the same age. Using oppa seemed weirder somehow, but it's not like there were many options.

 

Donghyuck looked at Yuta while considering what it would be like. It still didn't seem natural and she wasn't going to let herself be pushed to explore this immediately after having her identity drawn out of her. Why was Japan so lucky to have honorifics that don't indicate the gender of the speaker? But it's not like she was about to call him Yuta-niichan.

 

“Maybe another time.”

 

“Oh, okay. Sorry if I went too far.” Yuta shifted in his chair and returned to a more serious tone of voice. “Look, I don't know what exactly this means for you or what you're going to do but you have my support. And I love you for who you truly are on the inside.” He looked away shyly at the end, but it was something important to be said.

 

Donghyuck nodded in understanding. “You're so cheesy,” she teased, grinning behind her hand. She was happy for it though, maybe there was hope.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously I don't speak Korean so I don't know how actual Korean nb people feel about honorifics but I just tried to use my imagination and come up with an interpretation that fits how I'm writing hyuck's character in this since it's like the replacement for pronoun stuff... It feels a little weird to do but it's what I went with. hope you understand


	9. Chapter 9

The recording the next day went smoothly and the producer was relieved at Donghyuck and Renjun's quick turn around.

 

“Thank god hyungs' weird feud is over,” Jisung muttered in the corner to Chenle after the recording for the song was wrapped up. He laughed quietly back.

 

“Yeah, what was it about?”

 

Jisung shrugged. “Dunno. Got my eye on them though.”

 

Donghyuck rolled her eyes. “Brat, mind your own business.”

 

“Are you going to come back to freeloading in our dorm all the time now?”

 

“Well, that's... to be determined.” Donghyuck could feel Renjun's gaze on her from across the room. She ignored Jisung's confused 'huh?' and swiftly stood up to exit the room. Renjun would undoubtedly follow right behind.

 

The hallway was silent except for the two pairs of footsteps. Donghyuck didn't look behind her and kept walking. The steps quickened and fell into pace with hers but she kept staring forward, expressionless. She didn't even have an idea where she was heading, honestly.

 

“Hyuck...” Renjun tried. She felt an arm link through hers and that got her to stop in her tracks. His hand trailed down and joined hesitantly with hers. “When you say 'to be determined'... Nothing that happens between us should make you feel like you would have to stay away from me, right?”

 

“Well don't say that yet.”

 

“Are you ready to tell me?”

 

Donghyuck answered by squeezing Renjun's hand tighter. Although coming out to Renjun within the walls of SM seemed about the least apt and appealing environment. But Renjun was staring at her so delicately and Donghyuck really didn't want him to view her as something fragile that he needed to be careful with—although the revelation would perhaps not be something that would assuage that.

 

“We can't keep standing in the hallway like this though,” she said, referencing how close Renjun had gotten in her space, their sides touching.

 

“Right.” He backed away a step. “Let's go find somewhere then.” Renjun moved to continue down the hall but Donghyuck stayed rooted in the spot.

 

“Mmm, I don't think we should do it here. Who knows how much time we have and I don't need to spill my biggest secret with the spirit of Lee Soo-man directly breathing down my neck.” She'd probably end up crying or some shit again too even if she doesn't want to and having to step back out after all of that and blend in like nothing was different... not gonna happen. “Let's just get through the rest of the day and figure it out later.”

 

Renjun gently let her hand go and nodded. “Alright.”

 

\--

 

At the end of the day Donghyuck could see Renjun a little confused at her still going home to the 127 dorm instead of sticking with him but she signaled for him to hold on. She had one other provision to establish.

 

She went inside and knocked on Yuta's door. He peeked his head out and saw who was there with some surprise. “Oh, Hyuck, what's up?” He looked back into the room at his roommates and then edged out into the hall to talk to her.

 

Donghyuck studied the wall and tried to look nonchalant. “If I text you in a little bit could you come up to the roof?”

 

Yuta adopted a concerned look and stepped further away from the door, draping an arm across Donghyuck's shoulder and pulling her closer to whisper. “Wait why? What's this about?” He was of course sharp enough to connect Donghyuck's unusual actions and request with the conversation they had just had only the previous day. She flicked her hair to the side and ducked away from Yuta's arm.

 

“I mean, I probably won't so don't worry about it, but just in case.” Donghyuck leaned back on the wall and feigned checking her nails to appear casual. “You know.” After her talks with him and Chaewon and just knowing Renjun she did have some faith it would go well, but it's still unpredictable territory. And if he was professing his support for her, she might as well make use of it. It was comforting to know she would have somebody there for her.

 

“In case of what though? What are you doing on the roof? You gotta be less vague, Donghyuck, if you're going to tell me not to worry.”

 

“Calm down.” Donghyuck shrunk under his intense gaze. “Don't think anything weird... Since you forced it out of me I figure I ought to at least be able to tell someone myself. But it's nice to have some backup there if I need it.”

 

“Oh.” Yuta stepped off and relaxed his expression. “You're ready for that?”

 

Donghyuck bit her lip and nodded slowly. “I had been trying to work up the nerve since before but, guess I have no reason not to go for it now.” She shrugged and held her arms across her body tightly.

 

“Is it Renjun you're telling? You mentioned him yesterday.”

 

“Yeah...”

 

“Hey.” Yuta laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. “You got this. And I'll definitely come running if you need me.”

 

Donghyuck suppressed a grin and dipped her head to look at the floor. “Cheesy. But thanks.”

 

\--

 

 **donghyuck:** meet me on the roof

 **renjun:** is this a drama

 **renjun:** I'm coming

 

There was a light breeze so the weather wasn't too bad for an evening rooftop confessional. Donghyuck sat in the center of it with her legs gathered to her chest and waited for Renjun to arrive. She played with her phone in her hands and had the message app opened to the conversation with Yuta, which was pretty sparse up to this point. It would hopefully go unneeded, but she would just... have it at the ready. She set it down next to her and rested her head on her knees, staring over at the door. It occurred to her at this point that she had not in fact obsessively scripted in her mind how the conversation ought to go—and then the door was creaking open.

 

Renjun stepped through the opening slowly, fists balled up in the sleeves of a light sweater, and met Donghyuck's eyes. He looked nervous too, expression tight and hesitant as he sat down in front of her. He was going to make this more difficult for her than necessary if they were both like this.

 

Donghyuck picked up her head and scooted closer to Renjun to grab his hands with both of hers. “I don't want the mood right now to be so serious. Let's lighten up a little, right?” She grinned with a little deviousness. “Remember when you told me I'm the one that lights up your world?”

 

“Ughhh stop.” Renjun groaned and tried to pull back his hands obviously to try and hide his face but Donghyuck kept a firm grip on them and leaned right up into it.

 

“I want you to tell me that again but it has to be in full earnestness. Then we can move on.”

 

“Is the thing you have to tell me is that you're a demon?” Renjun burned and looked Donghyuck in the eyes and straight-toned, “Donghyuck, you light up my world.”

 

Donghyuck hummed. “I guess I can take that.” She patted him on the cheek. “Good job.” Renjun freed his hands then and pushed Donghyuck's off his face. She pulled back after that and gathered herself into a sitting position with her legs crossed and cleared her throat as an awkward transition.

 

“Anyway, uh...”

 

Renjun went back into his subdued demeanor and listened attentively. Donghyuck played with her fingers in her lap as she tried to figure out how to start.

 

“You said I reminded you of yourself, and that you don't want me to go through something like that alone. I'm... afraid of what you'll think of me when I tell you, but then that's hypocritical because I accidentally did that to you. But at the same time I have a lot of hope that it'll be okay. And it's really important to me that you know, actually. Before I get to that though...” She chanced a glance up at Renjun, who was patient and contemplative but with soft encouragement shining in his eyes. “It's probably pretty obvious but your feelings for me are, of course, returned. I think they were there for a long time without me noticing that's what it was, but you're the most important person to me and I think that's why I got so affected at that time. Reality crashing into my safe space. Because that's what you always did. Made me feel safe. And I want that to continue to be the case. But just at that moment it was like all that had been taken away and you were just like anyone else that I had to worry about... your perception of me. And that's why I ran.” Donghyuck looked back down, her throat getting tight. She was seconds away.

 

“Hey...” Renjun's voice was barely a whisper. He leaned over with a hand on Donghyuck's shoulder and lifted her chin to look up at him. “Remember when I gave you that drawing and what I said?” The corner of her mouth curled up at the memory of it tucked safely in the drawer of her bedside table. Perhaps she would occasionally peek at it before going to sleep. “You never have to worry about that.” Donghyuck nodded and waited for Renjun to sit back down.

 

With one more deep cleansing breath, she knew it was time. “The thing I have to tell you, Renjun, is that, well—you told me you're gay, right?” She looked off to a random spot elsewhere on the rooftop and put on a transparent mask of nonchalance. “But, you know, like, if you like me, that's not necessarily true then. Because. I'm not a guy.” It was a clever enough way to get it out there for her purposes. Liking her wasn't exactly straight either but she didn't need to focus on that now. She waited a beat or two before cutting her eyes back to Renjun.

 

His mouth had dropped open slightly. “Wait, really? What do you mean?” He had a curious and pure open expression and it was not any reaction that Donghyuck had thought of as a possibility.

 

“I'm—I'm a girl. I'm trans.” She decided not to overwhelm him with the specifics.

 

“Oh.” Renjun stared for a second longer before seeming to sober in understanding and Donghyuck wasn't sure if there was something else she couldn't interpret that flashed across his face but soon he was sitting right next to her and enveloped her in a tight hug. “Hey, it's okay. I'm glad you told me. Shh, it's okay.” Renjun's hands were rubbing up and down her back and she realized then that her breaths were coming out shaky and her eyes were stinging.

 

She clung her arms around Renjun and held herself to his chest until there couldn't have been a molecule of space between them. She squeezed her eyes shut and held her breath until she could let it all out in a rush and try to calm down. “Ugh this is so stupid, I cried again,” she muttered into his chest.

 

“Hey, it's not stupid...” Renjun had taken to running one of his hands through Donghyuck's hair and caressing the back of her head. She sighed and relaxed at the contact. “You were really scared right?”

 

“Yeah I guess... I know you always kept saying how I didn't have to worry what you think about me, but this is pretty big? You could've thought anything. That I'm messed up or something... not believe me, that what I feel is real...”

 

“It is big, but I could never think like that, even if I didn't understand. The world isn't always right, huh? I'm glad you trusted me with this. And I'm really happy you thought of me as a safe space. I want to continue to be that.”

 

“Renjun... you still like me?” she asked in a quiet voice. Renjun's hand stilled in her hair. He pulled her off his chest and stared right into her eyes.

 

“Of course I do. You're the same person I've always known. This couldn't change that.”

 

Donghyuck sniffed loudly and rubbed at her nose. “Thanks... you're so good.” Renjun dried her cheeks with the ends of his sleeves. “I'm lucky.”

 

“Having somebody treat you right shouldn't be luck.”

 

“Yeah, well, that's how it is.” Renjun dipped his head in solemn acknowledgment. “Most people probably aren't going to be accepting and just think someone like me, being trans, is weird or wrong. I guess you know some of that feeling from being gay anyway. But my entire existence is out of place. As if society wasn't gendered enough my path has led me to debuting in a boy group. Every moment, every activity is a reminder. But I have to keep performing, not even literally on stage but my whole life is a performance. I love being in NCT because we're an amazing group and I get so many great opportunities and I get to sing and dance and I've met some of my best friends, but it's also like a vice on my head. I mean, it's not constant just all the time. It can go in and out in waves. Sometimes I go through a day not really thinking about it, just feeling like myself, but then the thought of how to everyone who ever sees me I can just only be a guy makes me want to peel off my skin. I wish they could see a cute pretty girl instead sometimes. Erase the image of me as male. But it's unattainable.” Her mouth was dry after the rant. “Sorry, that was a lot. It's just been inside.”

 

“Don't apologize.” Renjun wrapped his arms around her again. “You needed to let it out. I'm just sorry that you have to go through all of that.” They stayed there wrapped up in each other in silence for a few minutes.

 

The wind had started picking up and sunset was growing nearer. “Should we go inside?” Renjun whispered into Donghyuck's neck.

 

“I guess so. I'm probably quite the sight right now though.” She laughed at her own expense. Renjun stood up first and held out a hand for Donghyuck. He pulled her up and threaded their fingers together.

 

“We don't have to talk to anyone else. Come on, walk right behind me.”

 

\--

 

Renjun took her back to the dream dorm, the first time she had been in there in a little while. He sent her to go wait in his room while he went to get some food for the both of them.

 

“Just bring me ice cream. I don't wanna eat dinner right now, haven't I dealt with enough today?” Donghyuck had whined at him, pouting and pulling at his sleeve. He rolled his eyes and shoved her into the room.

 

Renjun, of course, brought back two plates of actual food. “Up,” he called. “You're not eating on my bed, crazy.”

 

Donghyuck groaned and rolled onto the floor dramatically. “Fine.”

 

“They know you're here,” Renjun mentioned as he set the plates down and joined Donghyuck on the floor. “But I told them not to be nosy shits. So I dunno if they're sus. And then there's Jeno. I can only assume he's going to want to talk to me.” He peered at Donghyuck who was busying herself with the plate and taking small bites.

 

“Yeah I guess he's going to feel entitled to an explanation or something since he got himself involved in all this but you can just tell him that it's all worked out now we're in love happily ever after the end.”

 

“So blunt... Of course I wasn't going to speak for you but I didn't know if since you told me if you wanted to tell anyone else... to feel more yourself. At least around us. I know Jeno misses being closer to you. He was really good to talk to. I can't predict what he would think, but he was really caring to me.”

 

“I'll... work up to it.”

 

Renjun nodded and they ate in silence for a while.

 

“So uh, being clear about it, you're my girlfriend now?”

 

Donghyuck blushed and shoveled a huge bite of food into her mouth. “Um, yeah, guess so...” Girlfriend. It sounded nice.

 

Renjun crinkled his nose. “Ew I take it back don't talk to me with your mouth full.” Donghyuck glared and chewed the rest of her food. “Thank you.”

 

“Maybe you should give your girlfriend a big ol' smooch and make it official.” Donghyuck smirked and tapped her cheek expectantly. Renjun scooted over towards her and leaned in to give a quick peck before turning his face to hide a shy smile. “Weak, but I can forgive it for the first time,” she teased and pinched his cheek.

 

“I'll just go clean these up.” Renjun gathered their empty plates and headed out of the room.

 

While he was gone Donghyuck felt her phone buzz in her pocket.

 

 **yuta:** it's been a while so I assume it went alright? I won't be needing to come to the roof?

 **donghyuck:** yeah

 **yuta:** I knew he was a good kid :-) happy for you

 **donghyuck:** :) thanks

 

After Renjun came back they snuggled together cutely and had a very nice evening.

 

\--

 

“So um, I was curious.” Donghyuck had her head resting on Renjun's chest and his hand laid lightly on her waist. It was interesting that Jeno had still not yet attempted to enter back into the room that also belonged to him, but then again, not really. “You described yourself as gay, but... would you still like me if I dressed up like a girl?” She didn't really want to look up into Renjun's face after asking and just stared at the hem of his shirt that her fingers were playing with.

 

“Do... do you do that?”

 

Donghyuck thought about the pictures on her phone that she hadn't looked at again since that time. “I tried once. Well, I only bought the one outfit. But I'd like to more if I could...”

 

“Would you show me?”

 

Donghyuck smirked into his chest. “You like the idea of seeing me in a skirt?”

 

“Oh, um. M-maybe?” Renjun's voice was shy and she giggled softly. She thought about Renjun's eyes being on her dressed up like how she was that day. At least she had the pictures to test the waters. “Uh, anyway, about what you said. Truthfully, I just thought I was gay because I liked you. You know, as far as I knew at the time. I had never liked girls before or anyone else so when there was you, it was sort of a part of that crisis I guess you'd say, but it seemed like the most sensible way to deal with—everything. Well, anyway. I guess you were right.”

 

Donghyuck paused in her fiddling with Renjun's shirt. “Really? No one?”

 

“Yeah.” Renjun sighed contentedly. “I guess I always knew deep down that you would be the one so I didn't waste my time.”

 

Donghyuck turned her head around to look up at him with shock on her face. “Wow. I can't believe you aren't recoiling at your words right now, that was impressive.”

 

Renjun scoffed. “Shut up, you live for this shit.”

 

“Got me there.” After another stretch of silence, Donghyuck suddenly blurted out, “I took pictures of myself.”

 

“What?”

 

“Wearing girl clothes...” Donghyuck hid herself from Renjun's gaze again and curled her legs up. She didn't want to remember how she felt at that time but it was starting to creep back. “I didn't really like how they turned out though.”

 

“Hey, I'm sure you were just being too hard on yourself.”

 

Donghyuck grunted without acknowledging his attempted reassurance and pulled out her phone, navigating to the camera roll. The image of herself in the wig and heavy makeup and the trying entirely way too hard and—

 

Suddenly Renjun's fingers curled around her own. “I think you'll break it if you stare at it any harder.” He eased it from her grip, making sure she didn't change her mind before he turned the phone around to look.

 

Donghyuck was smiling widely and making a peace sign into the camera. “Aww, you look cute though,” Renjun cooed. Donghyuck shrugged. “I've never seen you wearing so much makeup before.”

 

“Yeah... normally I wouldn't feel the need to be so extreme about it, but I was trying to see if I could pass myself off as like, a real girl, so...” She shrunk a little more. “I don't really see myself in it that much.”

 

Renjun hummed contemplatively and set the phone down. He lightly held onto her wrists that were fisted in her lap and said, “You're a real girl no matter what you're wearing though, right? Isn't that how it works?”

 

“You know what I mean...” Donghyuck grumbled but still bit her lip to hold back a small smile. How could Renjun jump right into being so supportive and understanding? She didn't bother with worrying about her own issues with whether she even thought of herself as a 'real girl' for the moment.

 

“Do you want to try again with me and maybe not be so uh, extreme?”

 

Donghyuck nodded. “Yeah... I'd like that.” She couldn't have any doubts now that Renjun would do anything to make her feel validated.

 

“Next time we're free after work then you can come over with your stuff.”

 

A sunny disposition finally returned to Donghyuck's face and she nodded enthusiastically this time. Renjun ruffled her hair and opened his arms for her to crawl into. She tucked her head in right under his chin and wrapped her arms around his torso. “Jeno's gonna be homeless if we keep this up.” She felt Renjun's chest rumble with a laugh.

 

“He can deal.”

 

But he couldn't be kept away for that long at once and so eventually the door did creak open and Jeno poked his head in, testing the waters. When he saw their current position he fully entered the room and padded over closer to the bed and eyed them, thoughtful.

 

“So, everything's back to uh, normal?” His voice pitched up at the end, not knowing exactly what normal was supposed to be for the two of them.

 

“'Normal' well, uh,” Donghyuck considered how to phrase the answer. “Let's just say that you'll be seeing a lot more of this.”

 

“Didn't I already though?”

 

She glared at him. Jeno was really going to make her say it outright, huh. “Yeah, but now we're like, dating and shit.”

 

Jeno let out a long suffering sigh. “Oh thank god.” He tilted his head towards the ceiling, eyes closed, and clutched at his heart. “Finally. Being mad at Hyuck takes so much out of me, I hated it. Never make me do that again.” He pointed an accusing finger at her but looked only truly happy for them.

 

“I'll try not to,” she said. She felt Renjun press a kiss into her hair and Jeno mumbled something about not needing to see anything more and turned around to crawl into his own bed and busy himself with his laptop.

 

Donghyuck's coming days would all be filled with Dream related work and schedules so she took that as a perfectly good excuse to keep glued Renjun's side and stay the night.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Dream's comeback preparations continued to progress smoothly and Donghyuck again became somewhat of a stranger in the 127 dorm to a more noticeable degree than before. Of course much of that time was technically imposing on Jeno's space too so she did try to be reasonable about it and maintain a healthy balance. But if she would pout and say how much easier it was to fall asleep and they have to be heading to the same place tomorrow anyway so it makes sense? and Jeno would sigh and say 'yeah okay', then who was going to blame her?

 

“I take it the issue with Renjun has been resolved... nicely,” Jaehyun had said one night when Donghyuck was actually staying in her own room, a teasing glint in his eyes. She did her best to give no reaction and not let him confirm his suspicions. “You've been spending a lot of time over there lately. Hardly see you anymore.”

 

“Yeah, dream members are my friends too it's not that deep,” she huffed and turned away from Jaehyun.

 

“If you say so. But Donghyuck, you know it's okay...” he adopted a comforting tone. Donghyuck grit her teeth and tried to keep it inside, but it seemed Jaehyun was confident in his interpretation of the events anyway. He'd only shown himself to be supportive of her since the earlier incident too. Donghyuck sighed.

 

“Ugh, I know.” She peered over her shoulder and glared at him with no intensity. “Yes, Renjun is... my boyfriend, now shut up about it,” she muttered and hid her face again.

 

“Aww, Hyuckie that's cute. I promise I won't tell.” Donghyuck could practically feel his cheesy grin aimed at her.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I trust you...”

 

Somebody else like Jaehyun knowing was a different feeling. It was exposing but the care with which Jaehyun had always treated her left it comfortable in the end, if just with a tinge of embarrassment from Jaehyun's shamelessness at sending her some waggled eyebrows or smirks related to the subject.

 

Donghyuck wondered too how long it would take for any of the other Dream members to think there was anything weird going on between them. Their hand-holding had perhaps gotten a little bold after a while, but it's Donghyuck so she couldn't resist, and the roof had become a favorite spot to sneak off to to talk with each other openly and Jeno was gracious enough to give them some space alone in Renjun's room occasionally. She could guess what Jeno probably assumed they were getting up to but he really had no idea.

 

The first time Donghyuck came over to try out her feminine presentation with Renjun she shuffled into the room awkwardly holding the bag of her stuff to her chest. She still had yet to buy anything else new but she included a couple pieces of her existent wardrobe that might work as well. Girls dress casually too, of course. She started pulling things out while Renjun watched on.

 

Donghyuck held up the sweater and considered it. “This is what I was wearing in that picture but I don't think it really worked so well.” Renjun looked over her shoulder.

 

“Really? Why not? I thought it looked cute.”

 

“The neckline? I dunno. Maybe I was trying too hard.”

 

Renjun hummed. “I don't think you need to worry about that, but you should wear what's comfortable for you.”

 

The next things Donghyuck retrieved from the bag were a plain pink t-shirt and a bold yellow plaid shirt. “These would go together, right?” It would have to do until she sucked up the headache of shopping for clothes online to get anything else.

 

“I guess? I'm no fashion expert... Looks pretty loud though so I think it would suit you.” Donghyuck narrowed her eyes at him for a second before ignoring the comment and continuing to rummage through the bag.

 

She pulled out the skirt next and saw Renjun's eyes lock onto it. She shied away from him slightly and gathered all the clothes. “Go wait over there and I'll change...”

 

“O-okay.” Renjun went to stand in the corner of the room, turned away from Donghyuck to give her space, shifting from foot to foot as he waited. She put the outfit on including the tall socks and felt better about it already compared to the sweater; it felt a bit more herself. The wig was sitting there at the bottom of the bag too but she could think about that later.

 

Donghyuck cleared her throat when she was done. “You can like, look now.”

 

Renjun turned around and took in the image of Donghyuck standing there with her hands in front of her, twisting her fingers around each other, looking slightly to the floor. Her body posture seemed nervous but the small smile on her face made it clear she was happy to be taking this step. He stepped forward to detach Donghyuck's hands from their fiddling and get her to relax her shoulders. He looked down then at her whole ensemble and paused staring for several seconds at the skirt and socks. Heat crept up Donghyuck's neck and to her face as Renjun kept looking. He seemed awfully thoughtful and she shut down at the first hint of him biting slightly on his lip and crossed her arms tight across her chest. “Um, you seem very interested.”

 

Renjun snapped his widened eyes back up to meet Donghyuck. “Huh?”

 

“Do you want to wear it too?” she deflected. As affirming as Renjun taking a liking to it was she had come unprepared for such a reaction and the nervous energy was getting to her so the thought that he suddenly had the desire to join her in dress-up games was a little easier to deal with. Wait, that would be cute. _Why didn't I buy a second one_.

 

“What? Um... no?” Renjun looked a bit caught out and Donghyuck decided not to find his denial very convincing. “I was just thinking...” But whatever that thought was he shook off and changed the subject. “It looks nice though.”

 

“Yeah, thanks...” Donghyuck smiled contentedly downward and let the last of her awkward tension dissipate.

 

“How do you feel?” Renjun asked.

 

“It's nice to share it with someone... express myself like this to anyone who can actually see me.”

 

“That's good.” Renjun noticed the wig and gestured towards it. “Did you want to wear that?”

 

Donghyuck scrunched up her face and took it out of the bag. “You know, I like having short hair. Well, it would be nice to grow it out a little bit but I don't even have control over that much of my body. I don't want to feel like I need it but then I think that I do? Ugh, stupid society's performative expectations.”

 

“You should only do what you want, right? I don't think you need it. If you don't want it.”

 

Donghyuck let out a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I don't need it.” Trying to mold herself to fit into traditional femininity wasn't what it meant for her to be a girl, after all. Wig forgotten, shoved back in the bag, Donghyuck finished her look with the headband positioned in her fluffed out hair and a more dialed back makeup look that was less about changing her entire appearance and posed for new pictures with Renjun that she could feel happy with.

 

A similar topic had come up on one of their rooftop rendezvous too.

 

“Do you ever think about wanting to... transition?” Renjun asked. They were sitting comfortably together on the roof, leaned up against each other.

 

“Like medically?” It was an interesting question of course, for Donghyuck, one that could have many different meanings. What would transitioning be for her? What would she transition to? The thought of becoming 100% exactly female, whatever that meant, was almost as foreign as the prospect of giving up and succumbing to her male designation. If at least more appealing if those were the only two options. But were they?

 

“I mean, I dunno.” Donghyuck appreciated how Renjun was always so willing to talk about these kind of things with her even if he didn't know a lot about it.

 

“Surgery is at least something I don't have interest in. Doesn't feel necessary to me. I don't have dysphoria about my body like that. I dunno, it's just my body, I'm okay with it. Obviously it can be a factor in the times when I get really upset, but at the end it's not about it itself. Does that make sense?” Renjun nodded and let her continue. “For other types of transition...” Donghyuck sighed wearily. “Even thinking about it is a fruitless endeavor from the start. I'm an idol, I can't do anything.” Renjun merely shared in Donghyuck's solemn expression—he knew there was nothing really to say to that. Maybe in some ideal hypothetical world where she lived only for herself she could take some hormones and achieve a style that she doesn't get read as male and have friends who know she's just Donghyuck who likes to be feminine and pretty and call herself a girl but not be defined strictly under any category. Everybody else can just know girl Donghyuck but the people who are really important to her would understand how she feels inside. She peeked at Renjun curiously and bit down on her lip. It still seemed like too much to try and explain to him.

 

Renjun rested his head on her shoulder. “I'm sorry it has to be like this,” he murmured, eyes clouded.

 

“Me too.” There was a memory of a heavy weight that would rest on her chest but at this point it was just a thought to be used to.

 

“I don't know what you can do either, or what to say. Being stuck as someone you don't want to be...” Renjun's voice wavered and trailed off.

 

Donghyuck furrowed her eyebrows. “I wouldn't really say I'm stuck as someone I don't want to be... I mean the situation sucks but don't go crying over my problems, okay?” She righted him by his shoulders and patted his cheeks, beaming at him with her sunny infectious smile that was too powerful for anyone to deny. Her not so secret weapon. Renjun was no exception.

 

“Okay, okay,” he acquiesced, giggling as Donghyuck had kept resorting to cheesier methods to get him to cheer up.

 

“Good.” Donghyuck settled back down in Renjun's lap. “I never expect you to have answers for anything, anyway. Just listening and giving me hugs when I need them is enough. Classic. Can't go wrong, am I right?”

 

\--

 

Renjun was stuck at the company longer than Donghyuck that day so she found herself hanging out with Jeno, Jaemin and Jisung at their dorm, just lounging around each doing their own thing but in each other's company, making spare comments occasionally. Donghyuck was wasting her time playing some phone game that wasn't really that interesting but still was too lazy to do anything else. It had gotten pretty deep into their comeback preps; the time for starting choreo practice for the title track was right around the corner.

 

“Won't have as much leisure time like this soon,” Jeno remarked at one point. Donghyuck grunted in acknowledgment.

 

“We should have a movie night or something together before we get all entrenched in dance practice all the time,” Jaemin suggested.

 

“Is that the only idea you ever have?” Donghyuck chuckled and draped herself over the arm of the couch, turning off the phone screen. Game was rigged anyway, probably.

 

Jaemin clicked his tongue. “At least I make an effort.”

 

“Hey!” Donghyuck pulled back, putting a dramatic hand over her chest in offense.

 

“Do you only interact with Jeno because he just happens to be Renjun's roommate?”

 

“Ugh, I don't need this.” Donghyuck flipped around to face away from Jaemin. “Not true anyway.” She had made sure to spend some quality friend time with Jeno and she listened to what Renjun said about him being a good person to talk to. She didn't get to the crux of it, not yet, but even she knew she couldn't spend all her time with Renjun. But apparently she had still been too unnaturally sequestering herself.

 

Jisung seemed to be enjoying the exchange. “Ooh, hyung getting called out.” The look on his face was too devious and cutting for Donghyuck's comfort. She was not about to invite an interrogation and Jeno was starting to look mildly panicked too so she knew she had to divert the conversation somehow because his poker face was garbage.

 

Donghyuck clapped once loudly and snapped her fingers. “You know that sounds like _so much_ fun, we should definitely do it!” she gushed, dripping with blatant insincerity. “Can't wait to have a great ol' time with my bestest _bros_.” Okay, too far. Donghyuck grimaced a little to herself.

 

“Uhh, okay,” Jaemin said, accompanied with a short confused laugh. Jisung looked at her quizzically too, but like there was something he was digging for. Donghyuck didn't need this scrutiny.

 

But in the end it was decided.

 

\--

 

The Dreamies had gathered for their movie night—sans Mark who had decided he was “busy”, but told the rest of them to “have fun”, earning an eye roll from Donghyuck (“okay we will, more without you”). Donghyuck settled into the couch with a bowl of popcorn to share with Renjun and Jeno who were sitting on either side of her while Jaemin was queuing up the selections. One stipulation she had made to Jaemin for this event was that all decisions about what movies they were to watch had to be made before she arrived. No need to subject herself to their inane arguments.

 

Somehow this had ended up in Jaemin picking sappy romcoms. She's not sure how he got that past Jisung.

 

“Ugh, fuck you,” she muttered, sliding down against the back of the couch and shoving a handful of popcorn in her mouth. Now her sensitive side is just going to be laid in the open.

 

During the movie while Donghyuck was engrossed in a particularly touching scene between the two protagonists, Renjun stood up muttering something about getting more water. “Want anything?” he asked. Donghyuck shook her head without looking away from the screen. She vaguely registered that Jisung hopped up with an “oh, me too” and followed after Renjun to the kitchen.

 

But one thing was able to rip her attention away from the movie.

 

The kitchen wasn't too far away from where they were watching the movie, and over the sound of it they were barely whispers, but they made it to her ears.

 

“Hey, hyung,” Jisung's hushed voice called after the faucet shut off.

 

“Jisung? What is it?”

 

“I was just wondering something.”

 

“...Right now?”

 

“Uhh, yeah? I wanted to ask if, like, uh...” Jisung was attempting to sound casual but Donghyuck could tell he was floundering awkwardly even from the amount she could pick up. “So like, are you and Donghyuck hyung dating? Is he your boyfriend?”

 

Donghyuck's hand froze in front of her mouth right before she was about to pop in another piece of popcorn. Suddenly the movie held no interest.

 

She knew she was expecting for people to wonder what was up with them but she wasn't prepared for someone, much less Jisung, to see right through to the truth. Had they actually done anything that obvious? Jisung's use of the word 'boyfriend' sent an uncomfortable twinge through her but at least if he had seen something it clearly wasn't anything more revealing. She shoved the popcorn bowl into Jeno's lap, who must have been able to hear this too as he spared her a concerned glance, and started jiggling her leg, wondering how Renjun would respond. At least Jaemin and Chenle sitting further into the room seemed too caught up in the movie to have noticed.

 

“What? Where did you get that from?” The neutral approach. A common favorite.

 

“My eyes? I know you've been sneaking off a lot but also mostly I'm pretty sure I heard you two kissing goodnight the other day when I was up getting a glass of water too, so.”

 

Donghyuck stopped jiggling her leg and pressed her fingers to her temples, holding back a groan. It had been late one night but she had decided she ought to go back to her own room anyway. And assuming that everyone else was already asleep or at least turned into their rooms for the night they hadn't seen a reason not to part at the doorway like that. Of course Jisung would be annoying enough to have happened to get up at that time to witness it.

 

“Must have heard wrong.”

 

“I dunno I think I can recognize the distinctive sounds of a passionate smooch. So?”

 

Donghyuck was getting annoyed. What even was his angle with this if he had that much evidence? He could just keep it to himself. She didn't want to have to be worried he was probing for the wrong reasons; she did actually like the kid. Jeno gave her a little pat on the thigh in pity.

 

“No.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Donghyuck's not my boyfriend.”

 

Jeno's eyes darted over to look at Donghyuck again, an amount of shock evident on his face. Honestly, bless his investment in their relationship. But Donghyuck had to suppress a satisfied look spreading across her face despite the situation. Of course Renjun was right. She wasn't his boyfriend.

 

“Anyway you brat we're missing the movie.”

 

And then Renjun reappeared, dragging Jisung by his collar, deposited him on the couch and resumed his position at Donghyuck's side. His face was stony and he reached mindlessly for some popcorn as he glared at the tv screen. But the bowl wasn't in Donghyuck's lap anymore so his hand could only fall onto her leg, which broke him out of his annoyed trance and he looked over into her warm face. Donghyuck took his hand in hers and leaned into Renjun, reveling in Jisung's expression of pure affront at their scene. He grumbled something incoherent to himself which only prompted Jaemin to shush him and Donghyuck and Renjun laughed silently with each other.

 

Poor Jeno was so confused.

 

\--

 

Jeno claimed the shower first that evening which left Donghyuck and Renjun alone in his room.

 

“You think we might as well just tell them that we're dating?” Donghyuck asked, tinkering around with the things on Renjun's desk while he waited for Jeno.

 

“Oh? Uh, I mean I guess? If we're okay with that.”

 

Donghyuck shrugged. “Jaehyun knows too anyway.”

 

“What!” Renjun yelped. “You told Jaehyun?!”

 

“I mean we're roommates... it's a long story! But hey, your roommate knows too, buddy.” Donghyuck narrowed her eyes at him.

 

“...Right. Okay, fair.”

 

“Are _you_ okay with it?”

 

Renjun took a moment to gather himself in his thoughts. “Yeah. Yeah, I am. Thinking about the hyungs knowing is I guess a little embarrassing but just telling the rest of Dream... I think that should be fine. You know, really I only said that to Jisung because of how he phrased it.” Renjun looked down and picked at his fingernails.

 

Donghyuck smirked. “Yeah. Thanks... you're cute, Renjun.” He clicked his tongue and looked away.

 

After a moment Renjun came to stand next to the chair Donghyuck was sitting in and placed a tentative hand on her shoulder. “Did you just want to tell them about us or about your gender too?”

 

Donghyuck's hands stilled and she slowly laid down the pens she was fiddling with. “I know you mean well Renjun but I need you to stop bringing it up and pushing me to tell them. Or encouraging, if you prefer. I'll decide when I'm ready. I can take a little bit of them calling me your boyfriend for now.” Renjun mumbled a 'sorry' and his fingers tightened on her shoulder. She turned pensive and drew her legs up onto the chair. “Obviously I want to be seen as who I really am by the people I'm close to but... it's so scary too think about. So much is at stake. What if some of them react really bad? It could be over for me.” Not everybody is a Yuta or Renjun her brain always helpfully supplied any time she thought about this.

 

Renjun lowered himself to look up into her face masked by tired despair and took her clenched hands in his. “Hey, we're all in this NCT thing together, nobody's going to jeopardize that.” He rubbed the back of her hands until they loosened and relaxed. “But I understand you.”

 

Donghyuck sighed. “I know no one's going to publicly out me and ruin everything we've worked for, but what if they let it get to SM management and they kick me out of the group? If they spin it as a 'health reasons' thing no one would even be that mad.” Her throat tightened as she thought about what came to her mind next. “There could be someone who would rather take the temporary hit of a young group losing a member over having to be in the same group as someone like me...” she eked out in a thin voice, barely vocalizing by the end of it.

 

The silence was thick between them. “Is there anyone you're worried about?” Renjun asked.

 

Donghyuck laughed darkly. “Not accepting trans people is more of the norm... I can already hear Jisung making careless snarky comments but... Jungwoo maybe? I dunno I feel like he wouldn't understand. I have this irrational hope in my heart though that at least the other Dream members would accept me and still love me. But maybe I just can't bear the thought of what it would be like if they didn't.” Renjun knew he couldn't just offer her meaningless assurances about this kind of issue so he snaked his arms around her back and let her bury her head in his neck.

 

“It's a really tough decision,” he said. “I'm with you no matter what you decide.” Donghyuck breathed out deeply trying to exhale all the stress that she could. They stayed like that until they could hear Jeno's footsteps approaching the room after he had finished his shower. They pulled back from each other, drew their faces into a more neutral demeanor and tried to dispel the cloud of gloom that had settled over them.

 

“We'll do it in the morning before practice, then,” Donghyuck said calmly, as if the last few minutes hadn't transpired. “I'll drag Mark over here before we go.” Renjun nodded at the plan and Donghyuck hopped up from the chair, cupped his face in her hands and brought him close to her so their noses were touching. The sunny gleam in her eyes warmed them both. “I'll see you tomorrow,” she said, just above a whisper. “Good night.” She gave him a quick peck and lingered for a bit before pulling away to see Jeno had finally entered.

 

Jeno took one glance at them before crawling into his bed. “You guys take every chance you get to be gross, huh?” he mumbled

 

Donghyuck snorted. “Jealousy ain't cute, Jeno,” she sing-songed. Renjun bid her his good night and she parted from him, giving Jeno a light slap on the bottom of his foot as she made her way to the door. She grinned and waved her fingers at his disgruntled expression and dipped out of the room with an overly sweet, “Bye-bye!”

 

\--

 

True to her word the next morning Donghyuck was physically dragging Mark along with her towards the Dream dorm.

 

“Why do we need to go over there?” he muttered through a yawn. “We'll see them at the car.”

 

“This is _important_ , Mark.” She tugged on his arm to get him to match her pace, ignoring his sharp ' _hey!_ '.

 

When they entered it seemed Renjun had already taken care of gathering everyone, who apart from Jeno all looked mildly suspicious. Donghyuck finally dropped Mark's arm from her grip once she closed the door behind her.

 

“Okay, what's so important?” Mark asked the second the lock clicked.

 

“Yeah, that's what I want to know,” Jaemin said with his arms crossed and chin tilted slightly up, appraising Donghyuck and Renjun. The gears also seemed to be turning in Jisung's head, but it's hard to tell with him.

 

Donghyuck joined Renjun standing at the front of the group and they both exchanged a few glances, wondering how exactly to start.

 

“Can we make this quick?” Mark said.

 

“I guess it must take a while to figure out how to explain weeks of acting like other people don't exist,” Jaemin said with a shrug.

 

“Hey...! You're exaggerating,” Donghyuck said defensively.

 

“Guys, guys...” Mark said with a suffering voice from the side, but no one paid attention.

 

“Sorry! I just want to know. It's like you guys decided you're better friends without me.” He pouted but at least looked a little guilty. “Even when you're not around sometimes Renjun will ignore me. It's so sad....”

 

Donghyuck looked back at Renjun for a second before fixing Jaemin with a flat stare. “This isn't about you anyway.”

 

Renjun had grown frustrated by this exchange and took the matter into his own hands instead. “Okay, Jaemin, I'm sorry you've been upset by whatever you got it in your head to assume. Yes, we've been spending a lot of time together lately but that's because well, what we wanted to tell you all is that since a little while ago me and Donghyuck have started dating. So actually Jaemin I guess in a way you were right.” He smirked slightly at Jaemin's shocked expression, who was glancing back and forth quickly between Renjun and Donghyuck, before growing serious again. “Maybe we were a bit in our own world but as you can understand it's kind of a delicate situation for us? And we had important... stuff to work through. But now that that's clear you don't need to distract yourselves analyzing us and we can have a nice comeback. But this is just between us, okay? And we'd like it if we had your acceptance and support as our friends.”

 

It was quiet for a few beats after the revelation but Jaemin closed his mouth finally and mumbled with a thoughtful and earnest look and sad eyes, “Injunnie... you weren't ignoring me because you thought I wouldn't accept you right?”

 

“No!” Renjun jumped in quickly to assure him. “I really didn't mean to I've just had things to think about lately.”

 

“Phew, okay good.” Jaemin exhaled with a hand against his chest. “Because I would never!”

 

Donghyuck drummed her fingers against her arm.

 

“Hey I totally got it right! Hyung, why did you say that to me?” Jisung whined from the side.

 

Renjun clicked his tongue. “Don't presume yourself to be so special that you'd get the news first.”

 

“What are you acting like you're so observant for anyway when you just know because you saw us!” Donghyuck pointed an accusing finger at Jisung.

 

“Whoa, saw what?” Jaemin's eyes widened and looked at Jisung eagerly for the details.

 

“Well, _heard_ not _saw_. I _could_ have been wrong,” he said cheekily.

 

“Oh my _god_ heard _what_??”

 

“Jaemin stop acting so scandalized, you're making it weird!” A blush was spreading across her face even though the only thing Jisung had heard hardly accounted for much.

 

“What kind of things have you been subjecting our poor maknae to?!”

 

“Ugh!” Donghyuck fisted her hands in her hair and turned sharply away from Jaemin.

 

“I support you!” Chenle chirped, breaking up the scene. “Jisung had already told me before, anyway.”

 

“Tch. Of course that punk did.” Renjun fixed Jisung with a glare, who just shrugged looking pleased with himself.

 

When Donghyuck opened her eyes after calming down she was met with the view of Mark being deep in thought.

 

“What's going through that big head of yours,” she asked, hoping she didn't need to be worried about the answer. “Nothing weird, right?” She bit on her fingernail and avoided looking right into his eyes.

 

“I, uh... no.” He furrowed his brow and cleared his throat, looking awkward trying to approach the topic. “Just, you need to make sure this doesn't interfere with the team and stay focused on our comeback. And be careful.”

 

“Yeah obviously, genius. None of that's been an issue so far. Is that leader lecture all you've got?”

 

“Oh... I'm happy for you, Hyuck.” He looked like he meant it, as far as she could tell.

 

Her mouth curled up. “Okay, good. But maybe next time don't look like it pains you to say it.” Mark made an indignant sort of sound as Donghyuck turned back to the others. She looped her arm through Renjun's who was looking on at Jaemin pouting and complaining to Jeno about him having known the whole time.

 

Donghyuck regarded all of her members fondly. At least step one had gone over this well. She could only hope for even a fractionally similar outcome for the future. But she would take this for now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i miss haechan.... :( but candle light is so good ;_;
> 
> i still have to work a lot on the next chapter so it might be longer until it's finished but hopefully i'll be somewhat efficient about it
> 
> thanks for reading


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was the hardest part to figure out for me writing this. I went through so many different ideas of how to accomplish this plot point that I wasn't satisfied with and ended up here. But it's a really important part of the story so I hope it comes across well, and I hope you enjoy :)

Not much changed afterward with the other members knowing other than some friendly teasing and everyone having their own ideas now of what it meant when Donghyuck and Renjun were off spending time alone. But due to their days being consumed by dance practice and other preparations as their comeback period grew closer, there weren't very many chances for that anymore. Still, the two took advantage of what they could to give Donghyuck her time for a bit of an escape, even if they were few and far between. She even had to leave Chaewon on read for much longer periods of time than she would have preferred. Chaewon had been and was still a huge source of support and comfort for Donghyuck, being the only one who actually knew the full extent of her gender identity, and she was always patient and understanding through all the times Donghyuck went to her to spill her feelings about the things she held back from Renjun. Donghyuck didn't want to take advantage of that at all and the guilt gnawed at her when Chaewon would send a demo looking for her opinions but she was too exhausted from practice to even listen.

 

 **soleil_66:** I know you sent this to me days ago but I've been so busy I'm such a bad friend T_T

 

Donghyuck honestly would have rather conk out right then but she fought with her eyelids to stay awake and message Chaewon since it wasn't a day where their practice went into the middle of the night at least so she would more likely still be awake.

 

 **chaewon:** no you're noooot. I understand if you get really busy sometimes!! I value your input on my music a lot but I have other musician friends to talk to too so don't feel bad!!!

 **soleil_66:** well too late

 **chaewon:** :(

 **chaewon:** what's keeping you busy these days?

 **soleil_66:** work... we go late a lot then I just want to sleep

 **chaewon:** noo I'm so sorry that's awful :( :(

 **soleil_66:** no I like it though. it's rewarding in the end... I get to do what I love

 **chaewon:** oh! that's good

 **soleil_66:** yeah, there are just patches of time when it gets intense

 **soleil_66:** I'm super tired right now but I promise I'll listen to your song soon!

 **chaewon:** oh, I have a more updated version! I'll send it to you tomorrow, but no rush

 **soleil_66:** working hard I see...

 

Donghyuck hadn't even spared a thought to her own compositions in a while.

 

 **chaewon:** I suppose since you've been busy you haven't done anything else with that one you sent me a few weeks ago?

 

Nope.

 

 **chaewon:** it was really touching :') you didn't say it then but you wrote it for your boyfriend didn't you? hehe ;) ;)

 **soleil_66:** uuuhhhh shut up

 **soleil_66:** maybe

 **chaewon:** did you show him?

 **soleil_66:** well it's not finished is it...

 **chaewon:** when you get a chance to I know he'd love it!!!

 **chaewon:** but you said you were tired so you should go to bed instead of talking to me tbh! even though I'm glad to hear from you

 **soleil_66:** yeah you're right haha goodnight

 **chaewon:** nightnight <3

 

Donghyuck didn't even remember setting her phone down before passing out.

 

\--

 

Dance practice continued to progress and though Donghyuck still hadn't had any more time to devote to her music production, the matter of her song for Renjun had been running through her mind. Even once they had perfected their choreography that only meant it would come time for the actual promotion which would similarly leave her lacking in time to focus on it comfortably. It was a demo, but it was a listenable demo, beyond the first stages, and Chaewon had given her positive feedback on it. It didn't have to be 100% polished in order to share it with Renjun and Donghyuck was starting to itch to do so. Waiting until some nebulous point of time in the future when it would be finished was too far away and Donghyuck wanted to show Renjun what all his support had meant to her and what she had poured into the song.

 

Donghyuck went over to the Dream dorm for breakfast before practice one morning with the current version loaded onto her phone, nervous but determined to see it through. She hadn't actually shared any of the music she'd worked on with Renjun before, but this one felt too important to let continue to collect dust or keep being pushed off as not perfect enough and never let him know what he had inspired.

 

“Hey, can I show you something before we get going?” Donghyuck asked after Renjun finished eating. They still had a little bit of time left which wasn't the most ideal setting but also she kind of preferred the rushed feeling because at least then if she got embarrassed she could immediately go distract herself with being buried in dance practice.

 

“Hm? Yeah, sure.”

 

“You'll need your earbuds though.” Donghyuck followed Renjun to his room for him to retrieve his earbuds and she pulled up the file, holding her phone against her chest before she launched into her explanation. “So you know I write music and stuff?”

 

Renjun's interest perked up at that and he eyed Donghyuck's phone, seeming to get an idea where this was going.

 

“Well, I want to show you one of my songs.”

 

“Wow, really? I wondered if you ever would, I've always been so curious.” His eyes shone.

 

“It's not finished or anything, really just a demo. Don't expect too much...”

 

“Hey, you know how many of my unfinished sketches you've seen? Don't worry about it not being perfect. I'm glad to hear anything you've worked on.” Donghyuck nodded to convince herself after hearing his encouraging tone. She flicked her hair and looked to the side.

 

“The reason I want to show this to you is because I kind of... wrote it for you. Well, I wrote it for myself too mostly, but you're a big part of the inspiration and meaning behind it.” She met Renjun's face again, who was taking in everything she said. “You've been so amazing and always helped me feel comfortable and valid even though it's something foreign to you. I can't reflect my feelings about it accurately with words so that's what I put into this song. And I wanted you to know.” Donghyuck needed to go and hand over the phone before she got too mushy about it so she unceremoniously shoved it into Renjun's hands. “Here.”

 

Renjun took it and listened attentively to it like he was witnessing something precious. The lyrics of the song combined her feelings about herself with her feelings for Renjun and she wouldn't call it embarrassment but she still didn't want to look right at him. Something about the rawness of the track and his earnestness to treasure it.

 

Donghyuck heard a sniff when the track was getting about close to being over. She looked up at saw Renjun with glistening eyes, clutching the phone and head dipped over staring into it. His emotional response put Donghyuck at a loss. When the song was over Renjun slipped his earbuds out and pressed Donghyuck's phone back into her hands, his fingers leaving a soft lingering touch before he drew back.

 

“Wh-why do you look like you're almost gonna cry, shouldn't that be me?”

 

“No, no.” Renjun composed himself. “It was really moving... music is an emotional art and I could really feel everything you put into it. You should be proud of yourself, Hyuck, it was beautiful. I feel honored that you were thinking of me.”

 

Donghyuck covered her face as a blush spread across it. “You're making it so dramatic...” But she couldn't deny the blooming warmth in her heart as Renjun said those things. “Thank you,” she said when she could look at him again.

 

There was a deepness in his expression beyond the fond smile he gave Donghyuck but all he said was, “Probably time to go to practice now,” and pulled her along behind him out the door.

 

\--

 

“Good morning!!” It was a few days later and Donghyuck skipped into the practice room straight up to Renjun and draped her arms around his shoulders and clung to him from behind. “I missed you!”

 

Renjun let out a sharp laugh. “What do you mean you missed me?”

 

“Yesterday...” she said with a cute pout in her voice and nuzzled into his cheek.

 

“We were literally all in this room for like ten hours yesterday.”

 

Donghyuck pulled back from Renjun and set her bag down. “Uhhh, okay I guess technically...!” Renjun's mouth quirked up in a smile but his eyes looked tired. “Have you slept okay? You were really quiet yesterday and you didn't respond to my good night text like usual either...”

 

“Oh... sorry.”

 

Donghyuck waved it off. “Nah, it's okay.”

 

Renjun shrugged and studied the floor. “I'm fine. We all get tired.”

 

“True...”

 

The topic petered out there with Renjun continuing to stare downward with his arms lightly crossed and Donghyuck standing quietly next to him. Within a few minutes the group had moved into their warmups.

 

It could almost go unnoticed with days being full of practice but they passed with Renjun's continued quieted demeanor and Donghyuck was starting to feel a bit of distance as the majority of interactions passing between them were just for functional purposes related to the group, despite her efforts.

 

Dream were taking their break in the middle of practice and she had sat down next to him giggling at her phone. “Junnie, look at this post Jaehyun showed me.” She leaned in towards Renjun holding out her phone in front of him so he could see while she cackled quietly to herself. “Nctzens are so fuckin weird.” Renjun took a look at it and nodded, the smallest bit of air puffing out of his nose in acknowledgment.

 

“Pretty weird...”

 

It seemed that was the extent of his reaction.

 

Donghyuck's laughter fizzled out and she coughed and pocketed the phone. “Hey, Renjun.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“I talked to Mark and we're cutting off early today. Let me take you to go get ice cream or something.”

 

“Huh?” Renjun looked into her face this time, brows knit with some confusion. “What for? Should we even be going for ice cream during this period?”

 

“Ugh, who cares. You've seemed down, let me cheer you up. We can get real food? I'll buy you hot pot.”

 

He did crack a bit of a smile for a split second. “I'll probably just nap.”

 

Donghyuck sighed and deflated next to him. “Can I come over? I miss you.”

 

“If I'm only sleeping... Maybe another day.” Renjun looked away then went to picking at the label on his water bottle. Donghyuck frowned at the rejection. It was starting to feel like forever since they had spent time together out of practice.

 

“Hey, talk to me? What's getting you like this?”

 

“It's dumb,” he mumbled. “I'm fine don't worry about it.”

 

Donghyuck held herself back from shaking his shoulders and yelling _it's not_ and just whispered an 'okay' and scooted a couple inches away.

 

It was still weighing on her mind into the evening though, if Renjun really couldn't muster himself to do anything except sleep the whole day.

 

 **donghyuck:** is he napping

 **jeno:** ???

 **donghyuck:** renjun

 **jeno:** uhhhh let me go check

 **jeno:** he's drawing

 **donghyuck:** oh

 **jeno:** why

 **donghyuck:** I want to see him :( :( he didn't want me to come over bc he was going to sleep...

 **jeno:** oh. im sorry

 **donghyuck:** what's he drawing

 **donghyuck:** wait nvm

 **donghyuck:** don't invade his privacy bitch

 **jeno:** uh ok lol?

 **jeno:** did something happen with you two

 **donghyuck:** NO

 **donghyuck:** I mean that's what I wanna know... I don't think he wants to tell me what's wrong :(

 **jeno:** hmm :/ you should try to talk to him. I know he doesn't open up right away

 **donghyuck:** yea...

 **donghyuck:** give him a kiss for me pls? :(

 **jeno:** hyuck wtf

 **donghyuck:** I mean... pat him on the head and tell him he did a good job

 **jeno:** …

 **jeno:** good night lee donghyuck

 

Donghyuck didn't want to think of it like he was ignoring her—she had to remind herself that really it had only been a couple days. And she knew naturally she was really clingy and craved his company as much as she could have it, but he needed his own time too if he had his own stress. She couldn't be so dependent on him anyway. But noticing the absence of what she had made into a routine could start sending her thoughts backwards to the place they used to be in and she would end up laying around wondering what it meant for who she was. Apathetically going through days like nothing had ever changed. Did her identity only exist if it was being observed? She couldn't make that into Renjun's responsibility, or what their relationship was about. He'd done so much for her she wanted to be able to cheer him up too, but she'd let him take his quiet time if that's what he decided he wanted.

 

Donghyuck reminded herself that Yuta was always there too and understood about her. But she never knew what to do with this. He never brought it up again, just was always particularly nice to her and sometimes steered conversations away to take attention off of her if she was seeming uncomfortable. She appreciated it. Thinking about going to him for validation however seemed a little awkward. Maybe she really should think about telling anyone else to work towards it being a more concrete actual part of her life and not just something she built up in her head. Would slightly increasing the number of people patting her on the back and saying they support her, if the universe was kind enough, make a difference? She could tell herself every day that it doesn't matter what outward actions she takes, what she feels about herself is what's true in the end, but what does that accomplish if she's not actually doing anything?

 

These thoughts were all toxic and Donghyuck did her best to push them aside. Confidence going up and down in waves was natural, she just needed to hold on to what did make her feel good about herself.

 

She went to sleep with a conflicted heart but hoped tomorrow would bring good developments for whatever was troubling Renjun.

 

–

 

The vibrating of her phone near her face woke Donghyuck up at around seven in the morning. She groaned but the sight of Renjun's name lighting up on the screen with a message making it through her squinted eyes sent them opening fully.

 

 **renjun:** nevermind

 

It was confusing until she noticed one that had come before by two or so hours in the middle of the night.

 

 **renjun:** what does being a girl feel like

 

Donghyuck stared at it for a minute. The question was certainly not anything that she would have expected to be the first thing for Renjun to voluntarily strike up a conversation about after several days. She'd take whatever though so the least she could do was try to answer him. Your mind can end up anywhere at a late time like that, and she couldn't expect Renjun to never have some tough questions.

 

 **donghyuck:** uh, well... it's kind of hard to put into words. it's just something I know feels right on the inside? there's no one 'girl' feeling or anything that you can just say 'that's what it is'... it's like whatever being a boy feels like for you

 

Hopefully that would be understandable, even if she had assumed by his actions so far that he already got that. After a couple minutes Renjun responded.

 

 **renjun:** I wouldn't say being a boy feels like anything

 **donghyuck:** well maybe that's because you're not intrinsically at odds with the way you were born and how society thinks you should be and feel

 

Perhaps it was harsh, but Donghyuck clenched her jaw at the thought of Renjun going down the 'how do you know you're a girl' route now. That would seem impressively out of character.

 

 **renjun:** seriously

 **donghyuck:** what

 **renjun:** this is why I said nevermind...

 **donghyuck:** sorry it's early. but you must have been thinking about it at 5am for some reason?

 **renjun:** I guess just how do you decide this if there's no real difference in the end

 **renjun:** that probably doesn't make sense

 

Donghyuck considered the possibility that this was only a nightmare. Otherwise how could Renjun be reaching into the dark parts of her mind and pulling out her insecurities to display like this? Why was he reminding her that she couldn't do anything about it? Why was he solidifying her thoughts that this is all just Renjun humoring her in private to no real end? She didn't let her mind get to the point of voicing the wonder if these thoughts had anything to do with Renjun's distance. _“Wouldn't it be easier to just be a girly boy?”_ her brain tried to mock in Renjun's voice. It was too incomprehensible, but her paranoia bubbled.

 

 **donghyuck:** yeah kind of not really

 **donghyuck:** are you asking me why I bother having an identity I feel comfortable in?

 **renjun:** no!

 **renjun:** sorry

 **donghyuck:** ok...

 **renjun:** but it's hard right, to not just succumb to the expectation instead of holding onto something that makes your life harder to live

 **donghyuck:** honestly I couldn't imagine giving up my identity... trying to ignore and repress it is way harder. accepting it is what finally made me feel free

 **renjun:** I see...

 **donghyuck:** seriously though, what brought this on?

 

Despite her natural inclination to worry, Donghyuck couldn't truly believe these words were coming from Renjun from a place of skepticism or thinking it's not worth it. There was something else there. She got herself to calm down but another ten minutes went by without a reply. She rolled over and let the phone fall from her hand when she gave up waiting. Renjun would have to see her at practice though and she wasn't going to be stopped in fixing whatever was causing his distance.

 

Donghyuck arrived at practice and met her other members. Renjun was there already, thoughtful and quiet as he had been lately, but approachable. They had a minute or so before they would start with warmups and she wanted to do a hard reset on the general air that had been between them.

 

“Hey, hi.” She popped up beside him with a bright smile and curled her hand around his elbow. “Good morning.”

 

“Morning...” Renjun said hesitantly, looking clearly apologetic. But Donghyuck kept smiling until his expression eased and he smiled back.

 

“Ready for practice?”

 

When they took their break was when Donghyuck decided it was time to clear the air more explicitly. She approached him, offering a water which he accepted with a small 'thanks' and they slumped to the floor off in the corner of the practice room together to catch their breaths.

 

“So ah, what was that about, this morning?” Donghyuck asked after a minute of comfortable silence and cooling off.

 

“Oh, um, what do you mean?” Renjun deflected.

 

Donghyuck gave him a flat look. “Come on, Renjun.”

 

“Right, sorry,” he mumbled and drew his legs up towards his chest.

 

“Hey, I'm not like upset at you,” she said softly. “I know you're not a disrespectful person or anything. I knew it had to happen at some time you know, you'd get curious instead of just taking me at my word...”

 

Renjun startled a little and responded to that immediately with a serious expression. “I take you at your word. Of course I take you at your word.”

 

Donghyuck chewed on her lip as she formulated her next thoughts. “I think I responded a little harshly to you this morning. I want you to be able to talk to me about it, ask me what you don't understand. You don't have to pretend that all my feelings and everything I say makes sense the first time you hear it.”

 

Renjun hurriedly shook his head to refute her thoughts. “They make sense Hyuck. I wasn't trying to doubt you, it wasn't that at all.” His face screwed up in his own frustration. “I'm sorry it came off so poorly... I don't know what I was saying...”

 

Donghyuck hummed as she looked him over. The various other times Renjun had done or said something confusing that she never fully thought about were fluttering in the back of her mind. She took one of his hands that was perched on top of his knees. “I think we should talk today, really.” He nodded, closing his fingers around her hand.

 

“Yeah.”

 

\--

 

After ending practice and a bit of winding down and sustenance, it was well into evening. Jaehyun would be gone at his radio gig so Donghyuck suggested Renjun come over to their room for the privacy they would need. He was skeptical of the environment, with other 127 being out in the rest of the dorm, but in the end they were sitting there together, perched on the edge of her bed in silence, Renjun staring down at his lap and Donghyuck scratching at her neck wondering how to begin.

 

“So, I think we should start with how you've been feeling lately. I want you to be honest with me, tell me what's on your mind.”

 

“Okay.” Renjun cleared his throat and took a deep breath rubbing at his eyes to get prepared for soul-bearing. “I've been kind of... trapped in my own thoughts lately. Caught up in stuff again I thought I had put behind me a long time ago. Making me think weird things and act a little... vacant, I guess.” Donghyuck nodded along, encouraging him to continue. Renjun pressed his lips into a tight line before he could get the next part out. “It sounds really bad, I'm sorry. But, you were kind of the one stirring them up...” He looked down as soon as he said the line.

 

Donghyuck felt a chill go through her. “So that's why you...?” Renjun nodded still without meeting her eyes. “Renjun, what are these thoughts? Let me help you.”

 

“Ummm...” Renjun fiddled with the ends of the blanket that were hanging off the bed. Donghyuck sighed at his continued reservation but her mind was racing.

 

“Okay, why were you asking me what being a girl feels like in the middle of the night? What did you mean when you said that being a boy doesn't feel like anything?” Her heart beat a little faster at the implication in her question but his words started echoing in her mind. When he didn't respond, kept staring down with his stiffened posture, she tried again. “What is it you're afraid people can see in you?”

 

“What?” That got his attention and he finally faced her again, mouth opened slightly.

 

“You said that to me. And when you were trying to come out you said you used to think of it as 'one more thing that was wrong with you'. If that was the second, what was the first?” She knew she was pushing hard into him but her mouth was drying up at the thought of Renjun having been in the same boat as her the whole time. She hoped she wasn't making a ridiculous leap.

 

Renjun swallowed thickly. “Okay,” he said. It looked like he would talk now. “It was always something I tried to not let anyone notice... You know, I thought there was something that I just didn't get, that everybody else was in on. With other boys. So I thought of it as something wrong, I was just the one that had to try harder to fit into whatever I thought there was a pressure on me to be. I know it's dumb, nobody has to be anything in particular, but that's what was in my head. So when I started to like you I was like, oh... of course it would be like this. Not that a guy being gay is something wrong obviously, but in my mental state, that's how I saw it for myself. But that's when Jeno came in all 'of course there's nothing wrong with you, how could it be wrong, it's just who you are and that's perfect.'—ugh what a sweetheart, who gave him the right honestly. So I just tried to own that and forget about all the weird things I used to think. Focused on that identity and made peace. But when we had that misunderstanding, it brought some of that back...”

 

There was a buzz in the stark silence of the room after Renjun finished speaking. Donghyuck's head was ringing. She had probably stopped breathing about half way through his speech. She reached out to gently touch his hand clutching the edge of the bed.

 

“Renjun... if you feel like you're not actually a boy either, you know that's okay, right?” Even if she could have thought that her own presence would make that obvious, she knew that's not how it works.

 

The last bit of tension of the unspoken problem seemed to disappear from Renjun's face, but replaced now with dejection. He sighed wearily. “But I'm not like you, Hyuck. I'm not a girl. I don't feel like a girl at all. When you came out to me, when you said you weren't a guy, I thought for a second that somehow we were the same and you were going to have all the answers. I tried to figure out if I was missing something but being a girl makes even less sense. I'm so happy that you understand this about yourself though... I kind of put aside what I didn't understand about myself and lived through you.”

 

Donghyuck's heart squeezed tight and she pressed her lips together to keep composed as she wavered between awe and painful empathy. She scooted closer, hoping her body pressed against his could help ease and comfort him. “Everyone's different, Renjun,” she said softly. “You don't have to be a girl to not be a boy. You can just be neither.”

 

Renjun snapped his eyes down to meet Donghyuck's wide earnest one. “Huh? But—Is that a thing?” She turned to grab onto his wrist and look at him very seriously and with a strong determination.

 

“It's what you've just said to me, right now: being a girl doesn't make sense, but the thought of not being a boy obviously resonated with you... you've just been made to believe those are the only options. But you exist and you have these feelings so that makes it something real. No one can tell you what's right or who you have to be. And I promise there's other people like you.”

 

Renjun was still, listening to her words. “Oh,” he said simply, with a soft breath. A few moments passed as he considered it carefully, and then nodded ever so slightly. “You're sure?” Donghyuck knew too that it could be hard to accept something so suddenly that he'd only tried to keep locked buried in his mind for so long—there was something else that he needed to hear. She cleared her throat and sat back up too.

 

“I have something else to confess.” Renjun looked at her curiously, a hint of uncertainty almost growing back on his face, but he gave her his earnest attention. “I said to you that I'm a girl, which—that's true. I would say I identify as a trans girl, but there's also more to it than that. I simplified it because I had no way to know what you could think at that time and I didn't want to make it complicated or anything. I wish I had told you right away now...” She looked down at her fingernails that she was picking at. “But I don't feel like 100% totally just a girl, same as any other girl. Like, female and nothing else. That's not it either. So we are kind of similar. Primarily I'd say my identity is more as 100% not a boy.” She laughed slightly, just a quiet breath. “But I do have an affinity for the feminine end of things, so I also like feeling like a girl and having that validation from being accepted as that so that I feel even further away from male. But I also exist somewhere unbounded by that spectrum at all... Does that make sense?”

 

“I—I think it does, yeah. Thanks for telling me.” Donghyuck could see the breakthrough edging its way in. “Should I do anything different...?”

 

Renjun really was precious. There was still a serious air around him but Donghyuck couldn't help but grin at that and nudge her head closer into his shoulder. “No, not at all. You're perfect.” She hummed satisfied.

 

“You said before once some days being in your own body makes you feel sick. I've never felt like that...”

 

“That's okay too, don't worry,” Donghyuck reassured. “Like I said, everyone is different. People have dysphoria in different degrees. For me it's about the reminder of the context I live in, you know? So sometimes around others I can feel that disconnect more acutely... but when I'm with you everything's perfectly in place.”

 

Renjun finally seemed like the pressure had lifted off him and his face brightened with relief. “I feel right when I'm with you too.”

 

A happiness coursed through Donghyuck and she lifted herself up to kiss him sweetly on the cheek. “Hey, I'm proud of you.”

 

He grinned into it. “Thanks.”

 

She knew this wouldn't be the end of either of their worries, it would never be, but at least now they could have each other to hold to through it.

 

And speaking of holding, Donghyuck was starving for a damn hug already after so many days. “Hey, get over here,” she said and practically tackled Renjun backwards onto her bed. “I love you so much,” she said, her voice muffled in his chest.

 

Renjun laughed and wrapped his arms around her back. “Same.”

 

“ _Same_ ,” she mocked under her breath. “Say it, coward.”

 

“Love you, Hyuckie.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of the things I wanted to do since the beginning of planning this story and I don't know if my buildup was successful but I'm happy to have arrived here finally :) Renjun's pronouns are still he/him.
> 
> thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

“You know, I had been thinking about telling somebody else... like, about me.”

 

“Oh!” Renjun straightened up against Donghyuck's mound of pillows. “That's great. Who were you thinking?”

 

“I was thinking I'd start with Jeno... makes sense, right?”

 

“Yeah, definitely.”

 

“I'm not saying this now because I want you to too or anything. I know it's super new for you.”

 

Renjun shook his head. “No, I know. Actually, I'm not sure how much I think I would need it to be something everyone knows, like maybe you do.”

 

“Hey that's so valid.”

 

Donghyuck started getting psyched up at the thought of telling Jeno, thinking about all the times Renjun had told her how good he was to talk to and how supportive he had been for him. “I'll do it tomorrow before practice.”

 

“Sounds great.” Renjun ruffled her hair. “Hope he's awake enough to even hear what you're saying.”

 

“'Hey Jeno, guess what I'm actually a girl'... should catch his attention.” They both laughed.

 

“Is that going to give you enough time though to talk, rushed in the morning?”

 

Donghyuck shrugged. “I just kind of want to get it done and out there.” He hummed in understanding.

 

“It's kind of late now, I should probably go back,” Renjun said after a while.

 

Donghyuck tried to hold on tighter. “Nooooo,” she whined. “I way overstayed my welcome in your room so many times anyway, isn't it about time to flip the script? You were always there for me, let me repay the favor.”

 

“You say that but this would still just be for your benefit, right?”

 

She didn't have an answer.

 

Renjun smirked and tried to pry her arms off him. “Really though, I wouldn't want to be a bother to your roommate...”

 

“It's fine, he already knows, remember.” She waved off the concern but Renjun was still moving to crawl out of the bed. “Actually!” Donghyuck leaned up to grab onto his wrist before he could stand as a brilliant idea came to her mind. “Think of it this way: you'd finally be giving Jeno a night to himself after all we've put him through.”

 

Renjun paused and closed his eyes as he inhaled slowly. Donghyuck could practically see him becoming convinced. “Jeno deserves a medal or something, honestly. Okay, I'll stay. You're so sneaky.”

 

“Hehe,” Donghyuck giggled in congratulations to herself. “Wasn't so hard, was it?”

 

“Mm... I suppose not.”

 

\--

 

They had fallen asleep before Jaehyun was back from his schedule (Renjun dressed in some of Donghyuck's clothes to sleep in and she wondered if Renjun had found it as cute as she did the times when the roles were reversed) but when they awoke leisurely in the morning, curled up with each other, he was there, lounging in bed on his phone. Donghyuck let out a sleepy groan and started stretching her arms leaning over Renjun's side as he tried to shuffle into a sitting position.

 

Jaehyun looked over at them. “Oh? The lovebirds are awake now?” he teased. Donghyuck didn't have to even look at Renjun to know he was probably clenching his jaw with a cute blush on his face and expressly avoiding Jaehyun's eyes. However, Jaehyun was a fool if he thought he could get Donghyuck with such simple tactics. She grinned widely and leaned right into his teasing.

 

“Yup! We sure are!” She crawled back over Renjun and started peppering smooches all over his face.

 

“Oh my god Hyuck stop please!” He wriggled away from her and pushed back at her shoulders before covering his face with his hands. She just sat back on her hands and watched him with her typical satisfied devilish smile as he flopped over onto the pillows and splayed out face down horizontal across the bed. Jaehyun's quiet snorted laugh from across the room could be heard.

 

After a long suffering exhale Renjun gathered himself up and rolled out of the bed. “Okay well, I do need to go back to my own room now so I can get ready and stuff,” he mumbled facing downwards, the tips of his ears still burning red.

 

“Right, yeah. I'll see you in a bit.” Donghyuck too would soon have to think about actually... standing. She stretched her legs out and waved sweetly at Renjun who was shuffling over awkwardly to the door.

 

“Um, bye h-hyung,” he said, still not sparing him a glance, and opened the door just a crack wide enough for his body to slip through. He slinked out and Donghyuck and Jaehyun could hear his dash to the front of the dorm and the door slam shut in record time.

 

Jaehyun held in another laugh at the scene and turned back to face Donghyuck. “Renjun is so cute as your boyfriend.”

 

Donghyuck pursed her lips. Obviously she couldn't go correcting Jaehyun but then... come to think of it, she didn't know if Renjun actually objected to the word 'boyfriend' or not. Well, it was one of the many things they would be able to talk about as they go on their journey together. But her limbs were stretched enough by now so she scooted off her bed and made to start the day.

 

\--

 

“Morning again,” Donghyuck said as Renjun met her in the entryway of his dorm. “You know, you forgot a little something in your hasty escape earlier.” She pulled out the wad of his clothes he had left from behind her back and pushed them into Renjun's chest.

 

He grumbled tight-lipped as he took the clothes into his hands. “Yes well... I noticed after a minute or two.” Donghyuck snickered at his attempted grouchy appearance.

 

“Does Jaehyun really embarrass you that much?”

 

“No! Umm, I dunno. It's just weirder for me, I mean you're around them all the time.” He shook it off and relaxed his face. “Whatever, I'll get used to it. I'll go put these away now.” Renjun turned back towards his room and Donghyuck closed the door behind her, dropped her practice bag on the floor and waited there thinking about what she would say to Jeno.

 

He returned a moment later and eyed how Donghyuck perhaps had been bouncing slightly on her heels. “Hm, you do look very excited.”

 

She sniffed, ignoring his need to poke a little fun. “Well I looked with my third eye and there's only good fortune in my prospects today.”

 

“Alright...” Renjun glanced around. “Did you want to do this alone or have me there for support or?”

 

Donghyuck thought for a second. “Stand outside the door and if it sounds bad come to my rescue?”

 

“Haha sure. I think I'll have no rescuing to do though.”

 

Donghyuck got slightly nervous again. “I mean you don't know...”

 

Renjun put his hands firmly on her shoulders. “Hyuck, you've got this. Jeno will still love you and if he doesn't I'll kick his ass.”

 

She nodded vigorously with spirit, calming her nerves down before they tried to kick into gear again. “Right!”

 

Donghyuck met Jeno for breakfast, who was still looking awfully tired despite it not really being _that_ early anymore, and ate quietly along with Renjun and Jaemin. She leaned over into Jeno's space when he was nearing the end of his food. “Hey when you're done eating before we go to practice I wanna talk to you about something.”

 

Jeno blinked a couple times until his brain caught up. “Oh, uh, won't take long, right?”

 

“Nah,” Donghyuck said quickly, turning back to her own plate. She was committed now.

 

Donghyuck left breakfast first and stood hovering at the edge of the kitchen, clearing her thoughts and getting mentally prepared until everyone else finished eating. Renjun gave her an encouraging smile and rubbed her shoulder as he passed and Jeno stopped in front of her with a questioning raised eyebrow. She nodded to herself and turned sharply to walk back to his room with him following behind.

 

Jeno entered and closed the door, taking his bag to gather his stuff for practice while Donghyuck stood still and straight in the center of the room. “Renjun seems happier already,” he commented, dropping the bag on his bed.

 

“Yeah, we had a good talk.”

 

“That's good. What was wrong?”

 

“I-I mean I can't tell you that.”

 

“Oh. He's okay though?” He turned back to his bag and started unzipping it.

 

“Yeah, don't worry.” Donghyuck chewed on her lip, waiting for the right timing.

 

“What did you want to talk about?” Jeno asked with vague interest after a moment, rummaging around in his stuff, not paying particular attention to Donghyuck herself.

 

“Actually I wanted to tell you something... about me.”

 

The hesitance in her voice got him to pause and look back up. He took in her face and her stance and her hands curled at her sides. “Is this serious? You look kind of serious...”

 

“Well, it's important.” She rubbed at the side of her nose. “I mean I didn't want to make it _serious_...”

 

Jeno looked conflicted and his eyes darted between Donghyuck, his bag and the door. “We probably need to be leaving in a couple minutes, is this the best time? It's not bad is it?”

 

“No!” she jumped in at that. “It's not bad—it's good, actually.”

 

“Oh.” The concern dropped off his face. “Okay, why don't you tell me in the car then?” He finished packing his bag and slung it over his shoulder.

 

Donghyuck let out a small frustrated huff. “I said it wouldn't take long and it won't, so just listen.” She clenched her fists feeling suddenly unprepared. A sweat was about to break if Jeno was going to just keep standing there casually ready to hop out the door and not like something big was about to drop.

 

“Remember when you came to attack me after Renjun confessed because you thought I wasn't accepting him being gay?” The sudden callback to that moment got Jeno's attention and he whipped his head towards her in obvious bewilderment as to why she was bringing it up now. She set her face determinedly to distract from any uncertainty that threatened to bubble up. “I wanted to tell you what it was really about.”

 

“I... assumed you hadn't accepted it yourself either? Sorry about that, by the way.”

 

Donghyuck shook her head. “No, I _had_ accepted myself. I finally just had. But it was something different. I got overwhelmed.” She swallowed and looked right into his eyes. “Jeno... I realized that... I realized that I'm a girl.”

 

Jeno screwed his face up into a curious look. “What?” She nodded, just a small movement, and went to elaborate, but his next words caught her breath in her throat. “Um, are you joking?” Her mouth fell open slightly and she fumbled for what to say, completely taken aback by his comment, the panic rising in her chest.

 

“N- _no_ , why—I meant what I said!” What about this was a _joke_? “I... s-see you at practice.” Without letting another moment pass for the situation to unravel further, Donghyuck sprinted out of the room and out of the dorm leaving behind a shocked Jeno and Renjun both.

 

\--

 

She could predict the annoyance of their manager and probably the confusion or concern of her other members but Donghyuck left the building altogether and made to walk to practice by herself. She had no desire to see anybody else right now, even if Renjun was supposed to be her rescue, and wanted only to stew in her self-pity at how she really went and blew it what she had felt so good about literally less than an hour prior. Not even like it went poorly because Jeno did something bad? He probably just had no idea what she was even talking about. But she ran anyway.

 

“God I'm so annoying,” Donghyuck grit out, crossing her arms high across her chest and she trudged down the street. But the fact that she had gone and said it would remain no matter how ineloquently she had done it. Only a matter of time until the tension would snap and she finds out what Jeno really made of it.

 

After a few minutes her phone started buzzing incessantly but she explicitly ignored it, whether it was Jeno or Renjun or her manager calling after her, or some really insistent spam. Donghyuck made it to the practice room first and sat herself neatly in one of the far corners, biting down on a thumbnail and waiting for everyone else to arrive. They entered not too long after though, Mark merely giving her a flat look and sighing. She was glad he didn't seem to have it in him at the moment to say anything else about it. Jeno too had an entirely unreadable face and made no eye contact with her or any attempts to say anything. She belatedly wondered if Renjun would have taken it upon himself to say something to him. But at the moment it was as if nothing had even happened at all.

 

Renjun came over to her corner and dropped two bags on the floor at her feet. His own and the one she had forgotten in the front hall of the dream dorm. “You left this,” he said simply.

 

“In my hasty escape, huh?” Donghyuck joked at herself with a flat tone. Renjun slid down against the wall and sad next to her. “Thanks.”

 

“What happened?” he asked, quiet, soft. “After you left I might have gone in there a little like, 'what the hell did you do Lee Jeno?'”

 

Donghyuck snorted at the image of Renjun berating an utterly confused Jeno. Not that it would be the first time. “Nah, he didn't do anything. I panicked and ran like a dumbass before he could say more than 'what'.”

 

“Did you tell him though?”

 

“Yeah. But then... yeah.”

 

Renjun covered Donghyuck's hand that was resting on the floor between them with his own. “You're not a dumbass, you just got stressed.”

 

“Rich coming from you.” She eyed him pointedly.

 

“...Okay, fair. We're both dumb.”

 

“That about sums it up.” Donghyuck sighed and stood, hauling Renjun up with her. “Let's warm up.”

 

The members started their practice same as always save for a little bit of nervous energy hanging in the air around Donghyuck, but she turned it all into focus and danced just as hard as everyone else.

 

Partway through Donghyuck noticed a pair of eyes landing onto her through the mirror. First she looked away with no reaction and only continued practicing. It still could not be discerned what meaning if any Jeno was trying to communicate. And figuring that out covertly through a mirror in front of everyone else while in the middle of dance practice was not an option that Donghyuck was going to entertain at the moment.

 

But it kept happening. Every time Donghyuck looked into the mirror, Jeno was there, his gaze fixed on her. It was bordering on staring. The first time he shifted into looking over at her real image, Donghyuck nearly tripped.

 

What was Jeno trying to do to her? Frustration settled in as her mind started to haze over and her moves became less precise. But Jeno was still tracking her with an increasingly serious look and every second it went on her breath grew shorter and the first time she missed a move entirely she let out a strained audible yelp. She got back into it quickly and continued to dance blocking out everything around her.

 

The lack of music eventually registered in her mind, as well as the looks of everyone now on her, standing there. Donghyuck was the only who was still dancing. She slowed, confused, whipping her head around to figure out what was going on. Mark standing by the speakers was leveling her with a concerned look.

 

“W-what?” she asked in a thin voice.

 

“Are you alright? What's going on? I know you know this choreo, we're pretty much done with it by now.”

 

“I'm... distracted. Sorry.”

 

“Does this have anything to do with why you weren't with the rest of us in the car?” Mark asked.

 

Against her own wishes Donghyuck met Jeno's eyes at that moment. “I'll handle this,” he said, addressing everyone else and started walking across the formation towards her. She could see Renjun standing hesitantly at the side watching out of the corner of her vision, hand curled in front of his mouth. Jeno stopped in front of Donghyuck, looking her over, and tried setting a comforting hand on her tensed shoulders she had shrugged up as she crossed her arms in front of her as a barrier.

 

He spoke softly. “Hyuck is this about... what you told me?”

 

“ _Obviously_.”

 

“Do you want to explain it to me again without running off?”

 

“Did you not. Get it,” she said, tight and staccato. She peered up at him through her hair.

 

“Please?”

 

Donghyuck's rational mind was trying to tell her that Jeno only seemed concerned for her, even after the bomb she dropped this morning. Maybe it really would be okay.

 

“Everyone else is here though,” she muttered lowly, trying to avoid their obvious eavesdropping. She peeked around at the curious gazes. “I'm going to the bathroom,” she called out and spun away from Jeno back to the corner with her bag to fish her hoodie out from it. With long strides she exited the practice room throwing the hoodie on and drawing the strings up to cover as much of her face as it would.

 

Donghyuck walked swiftly down the hallway, hands fisted in the pockets and her eyes trained downward until she reached the bathrooms. Of course, at that moment, lifting her head up, she remembered about the matter of the bathrooms being gendered. The little icons on the doors staring down and mocking her. “God, fuck!” She kicked at the door to the men's room and whipped around to sit on the floor across from it, her legs bunched up in front of her and glowering. Usually depending on the day she would just suck it up if she wanted to use the bathroom, but today was not one of those days.

 

It didn't take too long for the approaching footsteps she expected to hear to come toward her. Renjun and Jeno appeared—Renjun took his place sitting beside her immediately while Jeno shifted on his feet for a moment before kneeling in front of Donghyuck, balancing on his toes, hands perched on his knees as he tried to get a look into her face. He wore a small frown, wondering what exactly to do.

 

“Were you gonna go in?” Jeno asked. “We can like, block the door so no one else comes, and then... talk.”

 

Donghyuck scrunched her nose up at his suggestion. “Hey, don't make her,” Renjun said pushing Jeno's hand back that he had started to reach forward.

 

“Oh, um, okay.” He paused and let his hand drop back down. Donghyuck exhaled sharply and stood up.

 

“Whatever, it's fine,” she muttered flippantly. “I'm just accompanying Jeno.” She grabbed him by the elbow and shoved him into the bathroom in front of her. “Don't do anything ridiculous like blocking the door though, what are we, come on...” Her eyes darted around. “Oh yeah I forgot bathrooms are gross. Nevermind this was a bad idea.” Donghyuck tried to make her way back to the door but Jeno stopped her with firm hands on her shoulders.

 

“Hyuck, please. You wanted to tell me something and it's clearly messing you up, so just tell me. Whatever it is. It'll be okay.”

 

“It's not a fucking joke though.”

 

Jeno looked down, shame filling in his features. “I know. I don't know why I said that. It just came out of my mouth.”

 

Donghyuck nodded to the air. “Yeah, okay. Let's talk.” She stepped back from Jeno's hold and leaned against the wall by the sinks. He stood with just a small distance between them. Renjun was behind, monitoring, a comforting presence. She rubbed at her cheek wondering how to lead in.

 

“Can you explain what you meant this morning?” Jeno prompted.

 

“I meant... what I said,” she echoed. “You've probably never had to think about a transgender person in your life until now, I guess, but that's what I am. That's what I meant when I said that I realized I'm a girl. I realized what all those feelings that had been eating at me from the inside were, why I felt so intrinsically uncomfortable just going through day-to-day _life_. Why sometimes I avoided eating and taking care of myself because I felt so disconnected from my physical existence.”

 

Jeno looked like he wanted to jump in at that, eyebrows furrowing in alarm. “Hyuck—”

 

But Donghyuck charged on. “Don't get all like that, I didn't let that period last too long even before I knew where it was coming from.” She could see from behind Renjun adopt a similar pained expression, could practically hear the question blaring in his mind of why she let herself go through that alone. But he also knew, to some degree. “It was like I was floating outside of it but still chained to my body. I'd look at myself and around myself and it didn't make any sense. Like, it's what's real, but it doesn't add up. Realizing that being a guy is what didn't make sense freed me from that. Well, obviously it's still something difficult to grapple with, but I have something to love about myself. Something that brings peace to my mind—adopting this new identity. And I want the people who are important to me to know who I am and share in that. So that I can feel like I'm right in the world around the people I love, and hope they love me too. That's what I wanted to tell you.”

 

The wetness around her eyes became apparent then and the small droplets welled up. But the tears were not out of fear or distress, but relief. And Donghyuck smiled. By the end of it she hadn't been looking in Jeno's face anymore but soon there were hands reaching around her back and pulling her towards his chest. A Jeno hug was a rare honor so she made sure to savor it, smiling into his shoulder as he rubbed the back of her head. “I had no idea you were going through anything like that. You're one of my best friends, Hyuck, all I could want is for you to be happy.” But it was still Jeno so it couldn't last for too long.

 

“I'm just... man, I'm just so sorry I yelled at you that time,” he said after pulling back. His eyes widened in panic and he started stuttering. “I—I mean... n-not man?”

 

A wet laugh bubbled in Donghyuck's throat. “Yeah. Not man.”

 

“I promise I'll do my best to understand.” Jeno held his fists earnestly in front of his chest.

 

“Thank you. That's all I want.” Donghyuck dried her face with the sleeves of her hoodie and caught Renjun attempting unsuccessfully to hide his wide grin behind his hand. She shot him a meaningful purely contented look, brightening her whole face. He dropped his hand and came over to her to link them together. A few beats of silence passed. “Still can't believe I did this in a goddamn bathroom. Nasty.”

 

Renjun lightly swatted her shoulder with his free hand. “It's hardly even dirty, shut up. You're ruining your own moment.” Donghyuck just shrugged and beamed. She was happy.

 

The bathroom door creaked open then and the three all paused and shifted their eyes over to it as a head poked through. But it was only Jaemin. His lips were pinched in a small frown and he had a hesitant look as his fingers tightened around the handle. But once his eyes darted around to interpret the atmosphere he relaxed. “Oh. Are you okay... now?” he asked to Donghyuck. “We were wondering what was happening... if you were gonna come back.”

 

“Yeah,” she said with a bright tone. Donghyuck linked her other arm with Jeno's and pulled the two of them along with her out of the bathroom with a light bounce in her step. “Let's go.”

 

Jaemin seemed relieved as he let himself get pushed backwards through the doorway, but still eyed her with some consideration. “Um, what was this all about, anyway?”

 

Donghyuck hummed. “Perhaps you will find out soon.” She left him with a sly wink.

 

The group made it back to their practice room with Jaemin trailing slightly behind a little out of the loop. Donghyuck finally let Jeno untangle his arm from hers once they entered.

 

Inside the three remaining members were each off in separate corners of the room: Mark was standing against the back, arms crossed, staring downward seriously; Jisung was in front of the mirror doing simple moves slowly and restrained without much concentration; Chenle had sat down in the middle of the floor probably off in his own world thinking about whatever. At the sound of the door clicking shut behind her their heads each turned in sequence. She had technically disrupted everyone's practice so she felt a little bad about that but at the moment it wasn't what she could bring herself to worry about.

 

“Y'all missed me, right? Well let's get to it.” Donghyuck let go of Renjun's hand and hopped back towards the middle of the room around where her starting position in the formation would be. She had a lot of energy she could dance off suddenly.

 

But save for Renjun and Jeno nobody was moving to settle back into their routine of practice. Mark cleared his throat and stepped away from the wall. Not to round everyone up or turn the music on, but instead he approached Donghyuck. “I was thinking actually we ought to take a break. There's not much point if there's something that's going to prevent us from having an effective practice.”

 

“I'm not going to prevent anything. Look, I'm happy.” She pointed at herself and her own cute curled up smile, but Mark remained a little skeptical.

 

“All of us are a team, we should be on the same page. Talk it out, if there's an issue.”

 

“There's n—” But she could see where Mark was coming from and she could see Jaemin and Jisung and Chenle around her also wondering what all had gone on. And this was what she had wanted in the end—perhaps soon was really soon after all.

 

Donghyuck cleared her throat and spoke up, catching the attention of those around her. “You know what Mark, you're right. Our comeback is right around the corner by now and we all want it to be the best. We all want to be our best self. I want to share something important with you so that I can continue working on being my best self. And I know none of you would want something other than that, so I'm putting my trust in you that, in fact, there won't be an issue—rather our team will be even stronger, because I'll know you have my back.” She exhaled and laid a hand curled lightly on her chest. “Okay this prelude is getting way too long.”

 

So she said it again. Her calmest and most confident time through. A less emotional and more abridged version, but she made sure to be explicit: what exactly it meant, why it was so important that they understood and accepted this about her, what the effect could be if they _didn't_. She impressed upon them the general reality of what it's like to be trans without bringing up her specific struggles again. She told them what she hoped for going forward. It all flowed out of her without a moment being left for anyone else to get a word in until she was done if anyone had been attempting. Her eyes weren't focused on anyone to know though—she just talked to the room.

 

“If you're confused or want to think I'm wrong? Well, this is your learning opportunity. It's not my responsibility anymore; I'm just who I am.”

 

It was starkly silent for several beats. Jisung was looking her over. “So is that why Renjun hyung told me you weren't his boyfriend when I asked? Because you're his _girlfriend_??”

 

Donghyuck squinted her eyes at him but held in a bit of a smirk. “Mm, yes Jisung, stunning deductive reasoning.” She couldn't tell what else was going through his head. Mark and Chenle were also similarly hard to read: Chenle staring up dumbly with his mouth parted open slightly, Mark looking awfully contemplative. But Jaemin had a pair of big sad eyes trained on her accompanied by a little pout.

 

“Hyuck...”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You must be so brave...” His voice was laden with compassion.

 

“Oh, not reall—” But Donghyuck's reply was soon muffled in the fabric of Jaemin's shirt as he threw his arms around her in a hug that was practically squeezing her within an inch of her life. Only for a few seconds though. He loosened his hold to a more reasonable embrace. “That sounds so hard. Of course we would all accept you.” He glared over at the two youngest. “ _Right?_ ” he said, stern and commanding.

 

“Y-yeah of course!” Jisung spluttered in a high pitch voice.

 

“Get over here and tell Donghyuck that you love her.” The two shuffled over awkwardly.

 

“Um yeah. I love you hyu-uhhh—” Jisung cut himself off and stammered a bit. “Did... did you want me to call you noona now?”

 

Donghyuck thought about it. She had never been called noona before, obviously. It would probably feel nice... she could try it out. “I-if you want...” she said, only a small hint of a blush gracing her cheeks.

 

“I love you Donghyuck...noona,” Jisung mumbled finally. Donghyuck hid her face in her hands and smiled.

 

“What he said!” she heard Chenle add in.

 

There were no guarantees of course that no one was thinking anything worse inside their own heads, but everything was going so well. But there was someone who hadn't spoken yet. She brought her head up and twisted to look over at him. “Mark...”

 

He spoke carefully only after a long moment. “Do you want to... leave NCT? If you want to be a girl, being in a boy group must be... not ideal.”

 

Donghyuck let that hang in the air for a sobering moment. “I'm aware. But I love being in this group and being able to perform no matter what. As long as you guys accept me as a girl I can take a thousand crying fans calling me oppa for now.” That brought a sharp laugh out of Mark.

 

“That's good... right?”

 

“Yes, Mark. Besides, did you not hear my impassioned speech about our comeback being the best?”

 

“Right.” He cracked a bit of a smile and looked off to the side. “Well, I'm glad. I'm glad you've found what helps you.” His face was still averted as he said it but she could feel his sincerity.

 

At that point a pair of arms wrapped around her from behind. Renjun rested his chin on her shoulder and gave her a tight hug. “My third eye's predictive abilities were a little off I'd say.” Renjun chuckled. “But it got to the right conclusion in the end so I count that as a success.” Going forward with this new dynamic would still be its own challenge, but she had faith in them for now. And Renjun too could know the arms of his members would be open for accepting him however he is if he ever wanted.

 

Chenle and Jaemin decided to join in on the hug action and Donghyuck relished in their affection, satisfied and peaceful. The others stood nearby simply offering the warmth of their friendship, but that was all she ever needed.

 

“Thank you... all of you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, it's the end!
> 
> my goal for this was simple but it ended up this long... if you made it all the way here, even thru my lacking storytelling&writing abilities, thank you so much for reading <3 i hope it's satisfying enough
> 
> i really wanted there to be more trans/nb fics and somehow got it in my head to make this, so i tried my best. i was interested in showing different kinds of nb identities/experiences, and representing things through writing is hard, but i wanted to show some of my honest feelings about stuff through the characters. if anyone got anything out of it then i'm happy ^^
> 
> also, renhyuck rise...
> 
> goodbye~ :)


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